Day 3: given up

i gave in. i think the lesson i was suppose to learn, stated over and over by my friends is to learn to say "no".
but my colleagues brought in homebaked cake and got coffee for everyone.i gave in. but i only had one slice. just for solidarity's sake. didn't want to be rude now did i?

talking to laura last night brought back some distinct memories. yacat.
life involving yacat.
that was eons ago, when yacat was our standard. when yacat was our hero.
that was freshman year. yacat returned in our senior year. I'm not sure who changed, him or us. somewhere along the way, expectations had risen, but it was never clear who had expected more from each other, him or us? or maybe it was just me. yeah, let me stop generalizing. i had no idea, who he was anymore or what he was expecting from me. I never claimed to be the best. Nor did I want to put others down in order to outshine them, I wanted to be the best version of me, for ME. noone else. his random observation, "you're not doing your job" for our publishing project was taken by a very confused me. now that I think back to that, i wish i could tell him, well you're my teacher, my supervisor. if i'm not doing what you think i SHOULD be, then TELL me - how else am i suppose to learn. its like calling me out for no reason. you see somethings wrong, but you're not going to tell me what. i should be able to seek guidance from you. you know when you trip, the one watching you is going to catch you if you fall. he was just watching, going, *tsk*tsk* its not suppose to be like that, and I would stare blankly back at him, not knowing what to do. Because I was clueless. I'm like, you're right, I have no freaking idea of what I'm doing. Care to help me out, or will you just watch from a distance? It got done in the end. With a lot of people who got hurt along the way, me included. But wasn't that what it was like to be a leader. To be objective in order to achieve the the goal.

Yacat. The smart, soft spoken teacher, who had appealed to our inquisitive side. Who taught without pushing, or scaring. Who had high standards and asked us to want that for ourselves. Senior year, for me, he stopped caring. He stopped guiding. He stopped asking. Maybe, being seniors, he felt that he didn't have to do that.

Lau is right, we can never be same. The best we can hope for is evolution for the better. I can never be that same girl back in AC - where I thougth that was the best of me. Strong, yet innocent and naive. I liked that version of me. I at least knew who I was. Uncompromising, but always willing to listen. Now, I'm so easily swayed. Heavily dependent on my boyfriend as I haven't learned a language well enough to fight my own battles. Battles of course, which aren't really mine, just inherited. But this is me now. I hope to be reborn this Easter and I hope these 40 days bring back more reflections like these. To help me understand how far I've come and to appreciate the person who is me.