Kilig moments and distractions....

 So I've abandoned this blog yet again. I think it's a pretty accurate reflection of my relationships. I'm hardly very constant in communication of some. I am inconsistent. That's part of the problem.

A lot has happened since the summer I don't know where to begin...but thats not really it. I can't pick up where I left off. I just need to write something.

Combined with laziness and procrastination, binge watching (Netflix, amazon prime), is pretty lethal for me. Added onto it, is loneliness (i miss my hubby!) and I've got a match made it hell. I've given up reading, studying, creating. I'll add though that as a bonus, I kinda connect more. It gives me some thing to talk about with my friends.

So I binged watched Crash Landing on You and I couldn't stop. Although, i would have preferred a different style of editing (an hour and a half is a bit long!), I rushed through the first time I watched it (Kat was saying, grabe, I finished it in a week) consider it was 16 episodes. And then I had a crisis about it.

I obsessed over the appeal of CLOY - what was about it, that resonated with lots of people around the world. The romance, what was the allure of this romance? There were hardly any kissing scenes (so no love making scenes either) and no public display of affection either. The main characters were unmarried mid 30s protagonists which made it a bit strange in an asian setting. Asians normally marry a bit younger. So maybe there were lots of mid 30 single people out there? The appeal is that they can still find love in a "normal" scenario (the man is not divorced or is separated from the baby momma kinda deal), considering the age.

The tender moments! oh the tender moments. Ahhhhh hang on... so this all started when i got back from Rome and was looking for love...on the internet...in the form of couples. I think youtube suggested Captain Swan and I just started watching Once upon a time (bits of it) for just Emma & Killian scenes. Then i asked my friends to suggest something romantic, which for me is strange. I like CSI, Law&Order, Criminal Minds. RomComs, or Romance in general is not my thing. But apparently I felt like it. So CLOY was introduced and I missed sleep for a good part of a week. 

Then i watched and rewatched until I saturated myself of CLOY. Not willing to start another addiction and feeling I've abandoned learning / reading. I pulled myself towards something familiar. sort of. Buffy the vampire slayer. As always, I just watched the 10 minute clip on youtube then dug into amazon prime to rewatch Buffy and Spike. I was actually convinced, it was Buffy and Angel, so you can see I was really "into" watching Buffy. I remember Spike being the bad guy so i was surprised that it ended up being Buffy and Spike. 

And today, while giving Julie a shower. I finally understood season 6 of Buffy, more importantly, the self loathing that they talk about in season 7 and what was meant by "using you".

Buffy was broken and insecure and in denial about a lot of things so she escaped. But even when she escaped, she knew or thought the feelings Spike had for her wasn't real. There's one heartbreaking scene, where she goes to him and says to him, Tell me your love me. Tell me you want me. 

Spike himself was in denial. He knew Buffy didn't love him but she wanted him and that was good enough for him. So he kept her. He manipulated her even just so she could stay. He knew he wasn't good for her and even though he said he loved her, he was still selfish and stayed. So watching her break up with him was painful and their unrequited/platonic relationship in season 7 was nice to watch. And sad to watch.

Isn't this always the story line? the girl saves the guy from going astray and they live happily ever after. the guy changes because of the girl. does he ever? does he really?

All these thoughts on Romance.... what shaped me was the torture of romance. the unrequited love. the love that turns into friendship that'll last forever. songs about love, I can't even name two. Ask me about heartache, unrequited love and breakups, I'll ask you if you want one playlist or two. 

On an unrelated note. I've been looking for someone to connect to about this but no one seems to get it and I needed to let it out..... and I've missed this. Writing my thoughts, I  missed it. Social Media and binge watching is bad for me. I can't self regulate.... but this was nice. Relief, and my happy space. Can't wait to keep posting here.

the saddest day...

Today, has to be the saddest day.
The death of a colleagues husband.
The death of a friends day old baby boy.
The death of a high school classmates stillborn twin.

and me feeling alone and abandoned, again and again.
:(
i should not stay home on a friday night, i'll just make myself really depressed.

Enjoying me time...

I'm here on a Sunday evening, after a productive weekend, drinking tea.
Weekend run down was:

• spoke to the landlord to figure out what was taking so long to put on the bars on the house, only to find out that he's actually sick and it was due to his health reasons, that there was significant delay.
• finally got my tires rotated. I could have done it by myself, but I was happy that Leo insisted on wanting to do it with me.
• we went window shopping at the outlet. He bought a jacket and I finally bought the electric kettle I've been wanting for so long.
• had dinner at Greek! So yummy!
• Dropped in on Sinead's birthday bash.
• Talked to home for most of this morning
• looked for places to go for the summer with Leo
• took Leo to the airport
• fixed/continue to fixing my stuff here at home....

I've been wanting to have an electric kettle in the house ever since I found out that you can have one! Mom had always used a pot and boiled water. I thought that was normal until I realized, well it wasn't. Anyway, I'm enjoying my second cup of tea, while basking in the thought that I don't have to wash any pots anymore.

*****

I know that I complained about her a lot and disowned her as a friend. However, I can never really cast a person aside. And so I reached out, only to be dissed. Apparently, because I wasn't useful at that moment, I couldn't be a friend. But of course, when needed, I always had to deliver.

ramblings

i need to believe that the only problem is them and the world is normal.
its important for me to not give up that blind faith
they can't be the norm.
otherwise the world and my reality would just be all too depressing and i wouldn't know where and how to pick myself up.

Throwing out the past....

I threw out my trash can today.

It was the first trash can we've bought here in Italy. That was nearly 5 years ago.
I can remember buying it with mom along casal del marmo and walking home with it! We didn't have a car when we first moved. In fact, when we found the apartment, we were then living in a tiny bedroom, sharing an apartment with another family. It was about 15 minutes walk away. When we had to move it, we had to walk in the summer heat of Rome. That was pretty bad. I was hauling our clothes in the middle of the day with my mom while dad was at work. Once we finally settled in, we had to slowly piece together the house. Obviously, buying a trash can was necessary.

I can still remember when the house was so bare. We only had the stuff from our previous posts. Sofabed, dining set, TV. Everything else, we had to buy. Including the damn kitchen sink!

5 years have passed already? Wow. A lot has changed since then. I would like to think that I've grown in some ways. Even though I've thrown out a "symbolic" part of my past. I hope I always keep the lessons learnt.

random thoughts

i will be fired one day.
i have a stupid, BIG, mouth.
who on earth would make a joke their BIGGEST boss and say, i'm doing better than you probably after he had a tough time during a meeting with the top honcos of the organization
*****
yesterday, my boss called me in to scold me for something, which in my opinion i shouldn't be held liable for. i held my tongue and took the beating (so to speak) but was in a very bad mood yesterday. i felt like turning round and asking him, WHY?! of course, i couldn't. its almost like asking God that question. You won't get an answer and you'll feel silly afterwards.
*****
my good friend at times surprises me and makes me think that we're not as close as i think. after several years of knowing her she finally gets round to telling me she doesn't like the name that i've been addressing her (as it was her old nickname) - makes me feel rather foolish. there are some things that she does that annoy me, but leo always calms me down, so i've forgotten them, but i never forgot the feeling i had, doubting the depth of the friendship. so here i am trying to organize something grand for her, however, with that last comment, i feel weird. i can't explain why exactly but i do. i'll still organize it, its just a strange feeling.
ignore me, i'm just tired.
*****
i went to ikea yesterday and bought some stuff to help me get better organized in the house. i hope that works, but more than that i need time to be at home to clean and do the laundry, i can't keep arriving at 10pm and start cleaning the house. nor can i afford always not doing it on weekends (but leo comes twice a month!) i need a break for this crazy schedule. i would gladly welcome two days of just being home to clean, do the laundry and reorganize myself, i mean, the house.