There's something disquieting my "normal" state of being. Luckily for me, it's not a mystery as to why. Problem is I don't know what to do in order to make myself better.
I had dinner with Bogs last night. I hadn't seen him in over 8 years.
History:
Bogs was a seminarian here in Rome. I met him my first year in Rome, and as you may recall, I didn't have much friends back in the day. I took whoever had time for me and one of them was Bogs. The week before he left to go back to the Philippines, he declared something, "I haven't thought about kissing a girl in the longest time, until I met you".
This would have been nice and romantic, if it was from a person who was hurt by love before and found it all over again. Except it wasn't. It was creepy.
I realized last night, that he was hanging out with me before because he wanted to try something. Ugh. Anyway, he got ordained as a priest and is stationed in Cebu. There's this big event this weekend, we will have another Filipino Saint. We only have one so far, so this canonization of Pedro Calungsod is a huge deal here. Vice President Binay is here, Imelda Marcos is rumoured to attend, as well as boxing champion, Manny Pacquio. It happens on Sunday. So Bogs is here among the many Visayans and Filipinos in general for this. He is unfortunately a friend on my Facebook, (I'm considering deleting him) and he asked me for my number months ago since he knew he was coming over. I figured after all this time, he's probably changed, so what's the harm. MISTAKE.
Already 3 weeks ago, he started sending messages on Viber. Half of them I didn't even reply to anymore. Once, we even went as far as to call me up at 2am and followed it with a message saying, What the weather like there. I wanted to kill him.
So he got to Rome and messaged me, "I'm in Rome, when are you buying me dinner?" and I'm thinking to myself, damn priests from the Philippines, so used to being spoilt and attended to. I ground my teeth together and remembered that my mother and the nuns did try to raise me right, so I'll meet him at least for dinner and if it goes bad at least I did my part.
He had aged a lot in the past 8 years. He told me I hadn't changed. I don't know the english word for "gigil" but that's what he was like towards me. Nangigigil sya. We had dinner in an expensive restaurant somewhere in the Borgo. It wasn't my first choice but as soon as I picked him up from the Vatican, his first words to me were, I'm hungry. The food was acceptable but ridiculously over priced. He told me what he's been up to and hinted towards, not necessarily being happy. I actually asked him directly, you're not happy and he said, no i am, i am. It's just work is a lot etc. He asked me how Ralph got into the DFA and if he could do that too. The first thing he told me when he saw me was, he's been a priest for 5 years now and it's going to expire soon. He would say all that and then say, I'm joking, come on, etc. Whatever.
At the end of the night, I dropped him off near his hotel and he said, can you please let me know when you get home. Typical filipino. It took me a bit longer to get home since I did a detour and then he started calling. Normally the concern would have touched me but it just irritated me. Then the messages came in, Where are you now? Where are you now?
Oh I forgot to mention, after dinner, he asked, when can I see you again. Can I see you on Saturday? Monday? Can you leave the office early? I just gave vague excuses. Because it was feeling forced and heavy and I didn't like it.
Anyway, I get home and message him on viber to tell him I got home. My phone was dying. It really was and I had forgotten the charger in the car. I was tempted to leave it there as well since I was so tired. He replies, can I call you. I replied, my phone is dying and i forgot the charger, what's up. His reply pissed me off, "i think you have the charger there". I insisted that I didn't and says, "meron lang bang kasing makakarinig, kaya ayaw mo akong tumagawag?" GGGGRRRRRRR....I said, my phone is dying and i don't have a charger, what's with you!?
Binawi nya, wag ka na magtampo....luckily my phone died at that point and I just left it.
Maybe I'm in a state of shock. Realizing maybe how far I've come in life. When I thought the only people who would accept me would be priests. I guess I was so lonely and desperate at the time. Or that I had been conditioned by HIM, that no one "normal" would ever love me for being who I am. In any case, I've finally learnt to accept myself and lo and behold, there are other people who take me as me. And they aren't priests.
I had dinner with Bogs last night. I hadn't seen him in over 8 years.
History:
Bogs was a seminarian here in Rome. I met him my first year in Rome, and as you may recall, I didn't have much friends back in the day. I took whoever had time for me and one of them was Bogs. The week before he left to go back to the Philippines, he declared something, "I haven't thought about kissing a girl in the longest time, until I met you".
This would have been nice and romantic, if it was from a person who was hurt by love before and found it all over again. Except it wasn't. It was creepy.
I realized last night, that he was hanging out with me before because he wanted to try something. Ugh. Anyway, he got ordained as a priest and is stationed in Cebu. There's this big event this weekend, we will have another Filipino Saint. We only have one so far, so this canonization of Pedro Calungsod is a huge deal here. Vice President Binay is here, Imelda Marcos is rumoured to attend, as well as boxing champion, Manny Pacquio. It happens on Sunday. So Bogs is here among the many Visayans and Filipinos in general for this. He is unfortunately a friend on my Facebook, (I'm considering deleting him) and he asked me for my number months ago since he knew he was coming over. I figured after all this time, he's probably changed, so what's the harm. MISTAKE.
Already 3 weeks ago, he started sending messages on Viber. Half of them I didn't even reply to anymore. Once, we even went as far as to call me up at 2am and followed it with a message saying, What the weather like there. I wanted to kill him.
So he got to Rome and messaged me, "I'm in Rome, when are you buying me dinner?" and I'm thinking to myself, damn priests from the Philippines, so used to being spoilt and attended to. I ground my teeth together and remembered that my mother and the nuns did try to raise me right, so I'll meet him at least for dinner and if it goes bad at least I did my part.
He had aged a lot in the past 8 years. He told me I hadn't changed. I don't know the english word for "gigil" but that's what he was like towards me. Nangigigil sya. We had dinner in an expensive restaurant somewhere in the Borgo. It wasn't my first choice but as soon as I picked him up from the Vatican, his first words to me were, I'm hungry. The food was acceptable but ridiculously over priced. He told me what he's been up to and hinted towards, not necessarily being happy. I actually asked him directly, you're not happy and he said, no i am, i am. It's just work is a lot etc. He asked me how Ralph got into the DFA and if he could do that too. The first thing he told me when he saw me was, he's been a priest for 5 years now and it's going to expire soon. He would say all that and then say, I'm joking, come on, etc. Whatever.
At the end of the night, I dropped him off near his hotel and he said, can you please let me know when you get home. Typical filipino. It took me a bit longer to get home since I did a detour and then he started calling. Normally the concern would have touched me but it just irritated me. Then the messages came in, Where are you now? Where are you now?
Oh I forgot to mention, after dinner, he asked, when can I see you again. Can I see you on Saturday? Monday? Can you leave the office early? I just gave vague excuses. Because it was feeling forced and heavy and I didn't like it.
Anyway, I get home and message him on viber to tell him I got home. My phone was dying. It really was and I had forgotten the charger in the car. I was tempted to leave it there as well since I was so tired. He replies, can I call you. I replied, my phone is dying and i forgot the charger, what's up. His reply pissed me off, "i think you have the charger there". I insisted that I didn't and says, "meron lang bang kasing makakarinig, kaya ayaw mo akong tumagawag?" GGGGRRRRRRR....I said, my phone is dying and i don't have a charger, what's with you!?
Binawi nya, wag ka na magtampo....luckily my phone died at that point and I just left it.
Maybe I'm in a state of shock. Realizing maybe how far I've come in life. When I thought the only people who would accept me would be priests. I guess I was so lonely and desperate at the time. Or that I had been conditioned by HIM, that no one "normal" would ever love me for being who I am. In any case, I've finally learnt to accept myself and lo and behold, there are other people who take me as me. And they aren't priests.
