Damaged

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back

Trying not to run up the phone bill

Yes you read right.
I'm just feeling so weird, there is no one for me to talk to but Leo and he is in Greece. I do call him, however, I feel like I've just sky rocked the phone bill, so I'm trying to stay off it.
I'm supposed to do something. Its work related even, however, I just can't seem to get there.
I'm bothered.
That email bothered me.
Why email me?
Why am I obssessing? I am strong. He broke me, but now I am stronger.
I didn't go to church today. I have actually resolved to stop going - it happens whenever my parents aren't around. Of course, if they were here, I'd go. There is one mass though that I wouldn't miss. Its a bit far from Rome, but they hold mass every first Sunday of the month. I seemed happy there, even for a bit.
I'm just so confused, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to feel.
Two days later, I'm still stunned.

Strange

I got an email from guy number 3.
It just weirds me out. The last time I talked to him was at the start of the year wherein we did an evaluation and he admitted his sins and how he was sorry and I how much I hate him and he KNOWS that things can't go back to the way they were. He admitted knowing that he didn't keep in touch because I wouldn't want him to.
Yet, yesterday, he sent an email - in very bad taste. It was a soliciation letter.
The words were, "Hi grace, musta na? Favor, can you please give this soliciation letter to Mom? Thanks..."
Then the letter starts, "Peace in Christ"
blah blah blah seminary, etc.
I mean - he doesn't get to call my mom, Mom anymore -please! and this?! this? what is it?
I can't delete - at least I couldn't immediately, "peace in christ"haunts me. But I haven't replied, nor have I forwarded it. I'm just in a state of surprise. I thought he was out of my life. Why the email? Is he testing me?
I don't know what to do. Leo had promised that he would make the time to find where guy number 3 was and kick his ass. Or go to the Police, or something. He just wants to find the guy and .....in anycase. I'm hoping he won't find him. I just hope we can have fun.
*sigh*
so I still haven't deleted the email yet. I didn't reply to it. (Leo suggested that and say, didn't I tell you to leave me alone?). I didn't forward it to my mom. I'm still just stunned.

The clash of worlds

Although my friend Le Kim asked me not to tell anyone, I need to vent.
His sister is having problems with her asshole of a husband. The mom was there in the US to visit her daughter and new born granddaughter.
Yesterday, (details still unknown to me) the husband started throwing pampers at the mom, started throwing her clothes out and yelling, "get out of my house" - I would like to point out, that the house belongs to Le Kim's family and he had no right to throw the mom out.
I didn't make things better by saying that I was no good when it came to family violence - I don't know what to do. Or even if I was any help. I remembered a friend who got hit with a chair. Didn't know what to do then. Still don't know what to do now.
He's scared and frustrated. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to help. - That's just killing him. The fear comes from the uncertainty of how things will turn out. He dreads having to hear the call that one day a member of his family would be hurt.
Wow, the rain is really pouring down, I guess I better get going, even if I didn't finish this. Maybe I'll do this at home.
I'm just so upset that I tried telling this story to Leo. I don't think I was even able to convey how upsetting this story is when he comes down with his strictness that for a newly made family its best if noone interfers. Yes, I agree with that, however, we're talking about a newly born baby, its but natural that the parents go visit and help out the family while they are adjusting. Maybe its a cultural thing. I grew up with people living with us. For Leo, its been solidly just his parents. But if I get married and have a kid here, my mom (for sure) would want to come visit and help out-not necessarily interfer. Since the Philippines is far from Rome, she'd stay a month maybe even two. For Leo that's intrusion and he wouldn't stand for it. She could stay a week - maybe two but not more than that.
It's just a cultural thing I guess. We haven't had much examples to experiment on, so I'm not sure how we will get along. But now, he just sent a message:
We will always make decisions togheter, about anything. We will have to respect each others needs. It will all be ok, because we love each other. I love you.

Please don't haunt me

There is this guy, just a friend...really!
whom i have no interest in....
REALLY,
background:
i ran into him like way back in july and sent below email,
and cringed when re-reading it, as it sounds like i was interested i'm not REALLY (have i convinced you yet? no? well, i think i've managed convincing me)
and i went to the elevator area to check the mail and heard his unmistakable voice.
since i had to go downstairs to buy water, i bolted.
while i was downstairs, i ran into him
(imagine that - what were the odds of that happening?)
and it was so awkward!
it was like, we would have normally caught up with each other, but i couldn't help but feel it so awkward because i was just embarrassed and did not want to run into him at all. I was so surprised when i saw him. i didn't know what to say, and that was what we were like. hi *pause* how are you? answer *longer pause*
i am so embarrased.
it was so freaking awkward. I didn't expect him and I didn't know what to say. But he was nice as always, we did our 30 sec catching up and then I left. I felt like melting into the floor


it was funny running into you downstairs....
especially since i was thinking of sending you an email this morning.
you're looking well, i guess no longer supporting finance is more relaxing for you.....
we had a major house bank change and i was wishing not for the first time that i could ask you for help...
fortunately, the new indian guy who was taking charge was really nice and since we were both new,
we learnt the hardway of how things should go....when it came to house banks.....
he was really patient and kind. but of course your company is much more prefered. besides, you're cuter!
hahahaha...oops, should not have said that....
anyway, take care and have a good summer.....