this past week i've been feeling blah... i feel physically unattractive: fat, old, greying hair, everything. its like a funk. I wouldn't have slunk into depression or anything i just feel, blah.
i guess i must be feeling it: birthday blues.
Turning 39! ack! it's old,,,, I'm OLD. it didn't help that my ex boss didn't recognize me anymore, I felt like i just deteriorated.
i did not age gracefully.
so it comes as a weird but welcome surprise when someone said, if i could have had you for a night, or two or an hour or even 5 minutes just the two of us.
to which my reaction was WTF? followed by, where the hell is this coming from.
but i get it, the universe was tired of my pity party and just threw something to distract me for attention....
so we've been going to this particular butcher in trastevere called, Pascarella - kasher meat.
the butchers are all nice and if its not the head boss serving me, its this other guy called Emiliano. Emi is a sweetheart. All the butchers are nice and friendly and with my limited italian, are even helpful. But Emi likes to make fun of me and joke with me sometimes.
Yesterday was particularly fun.
He hadn't seen me when I walked in. He was busy serving another customer. When he looked up and he saw me, he paused and broke into a smile, "A bella". Ciao Emi.
He finished his customer and I was being attended to by Daniele. He looked over at me, you want a coffee? No thank you. After a bit i didn't understand what was going on, Daniele looked at me and said, Emiliano will attend to you now. OK. Emi at least already knows what I like and how much and what to do....so that was nice.
So I was going up and down the aisle and he was yelling from a far to me, Amore, che altro che serve? Love, what else do you need? Tesoro, basta cosi? Darling, is that it?
I wanted to try the sausages but wasn't sure which one to try. The other younger butcher came up... I made them you know. The others were making fun of him. Si, si, Ho fatto io con l'amore (I made it with love, literally) the guys cracked up laughing, non si dice cosi (you don't say it like that), you say, ho fatto con il cuore (i made it with my heart). Emi puts everything into my bag and gives me the receipt so I can pay. I go off and pay and I come back and he's in another conversation. Emi, is everything in here. Yes, love. Ok Ciao.
I'm in the car and he comes out to give me some chicken that he hasn't put into the bag yet. So I ask him, why do you treat me so badly? nnoooo love don't say that. I came out here for you.
so this post is a bit weird, because it starts last summer.
last summer Neo left to go to Sierra Leone. He left july 4. my mom had left as well as she could only stay 3 months. so for the first time with two kids, on the weekend, i was alone and i didn't know how to handle it or what to do.
as always, we went to La Baia we went in the morning, (early since they are early risers) stayed there for lunch and left right after. this was what i was doing every weekend in the summer (either saturday or sunday) .
one lunch, julie decided not to cooperate and was screaming her head off. i barely ate lunch, i ran home just to calm her down. so while i was getting her ready to go, one guy who was having lunch by himself turned around. im sorry. was all i could muster without making eye contact.i was embarrassed. i had become one of those parents some of my friends hated while eating out. this guy reminded me of harinda. so damn. i know what was going through his head.
every lunch we would see each other and acknowledge each others presence. this happened all throughout the summer. around august, he walked by me and i just ask him, so whats up? and then we had a conversation, he was working for erg and speaks russian and that he loves coming to la baia. he loves the beach and for him the restaurant is amazing. i dont remember much else. then we left it there.
i saw him the last time we had gone to la baia for the summer of 2017 but i didnt say good bye and that was that.
until today.
he was there again. having his lunch. by himself. again. he turned around and eventually our eyes met. we said our hellos and left it like that. while getting the stuff ready for leaving, i decided to just go up and say hi
so i go, hey, sorry i dont want to disturb you just wanted to say hi and he's like, handshake and then pulling me in for the kiss greeting. he was still sitting and i was standing as he was telling me of his year. then i started to freak out as i left the kids alone. so i just cut him short i'm sorry i left the kids. he's like ok, give me your number, so i gave him my number, he was trying to make my phone ring but i never got a call.
when i got home, he sent me a message, it was nice to see you again.
i wanted to start this post with a flashback....but to be honest, i dont know when the flashback should begin....
and this is theme behind todays post (sort of)
I had met the carpenter years and years ago and our interactions were limited. i met him at the office, that i'm sure of (not after work drinks with colleagues nor through friends of friends) although I could not exactly remember how. i remember once when i had just met him, he told me his wife was filipina working in ifad and i promptly mentally switched him off. not interested in married, even if he was cute. i would barely see him when he was in the office and then he moved. face to face, i think i interacted with him just twice. and he's been out in asia, west africa and the carribean. up until last april last year, he wasn't around. and i just got back to work in february this year. i was surprised to find him walking around. it wasn't uncommon for field staff to come to hq for meetings or workshops, but i had a vague sensation that he was back. i dont have any photos of myself in the global directory and since he left we had the sporadic exchange of work email. other than that, i was sure he didn't remember me. how sure? well, he passed me once or twice since being back and barely nodded my way. well, i vaguely remembered him so i guess the recall was mutual. when it finally did register in my head that it was the carpenter, i sent him a message on skype.
hey, are you back? was going to say hi but wasn't sure if that was you
yes, i'm back after being in the field.
hq has a different pulse.
right, something to get used to. lets have coffee and catch up.
sure.
next day, he was in a meeting, so i left a message and we were chatting again,
aren't you supposed to be in a meeting, i dont want to disturb
ah well yes, i'm mostly listening at the moment
so day after, i said, hey, you want to get the coffee.
message ignored.
ugh.
so then the rest of life happened and i completely forgot about him.
last friday i was taking the stairs up to the 4th floor and he was coming down, now keep in mind, we both barely remember each other. so we passed by with the usual "hey" and im thinking in my head, yup he definitely doesnt remember who am. and then he stopped. and then he hugged me and kissed me twice - we need to catch up over coffee.
me: yeah sure. just say when.
him: i passed by your office but didn't find you.
me: that's strange i'm always there. where's your wife
him: (looks at his feet, face clouds) she's in france at the moment
*awkward* ok, in my head, sorry i brought that up!
me: yeah, well, lets see each other later.
around 3, i asked,
you busy
and he said, a little bit. i'm leaving tomorrow so i have lots of things to wrap up, deadlines and meetings, etc
i was supposed to go with wael for coffee but blew it off to catch up with the carpenter... grrrr
i said, well, you could have told me on the stairs. anyway, fine, we can catch up when you're back.
him: well, i can finish up here and pass by your office later for a proper hello
me: actually, i leave at 3.30 breastfeeding hours
him: breastfeeding????
we definitely need to catch up
me: yes, but not today
him: ok, i'm back april 9th lets have lunch that week
me: sure, let me know when. i know its a bit hectic
him: april 11, wednesday, ok?
me: ok, wow, sure.
him: sending you the invite now
sent the email invite
him: see you then
damn.
i wont lie, my ego is stoked. remember, i've had two kids in the past 4 years, no exercise and lots of carbs. even if its just him being nice and friendly, i'm surprised he even remembers what i look or who am. and that he was that quick to send an email. so yay to me and my 5 minutes of ego boosting.
Ever since I was a kid, I was a dork. Chubby, pimply, at a certain point, with braces. Yeah, uber sexy right? I was never the pretty one or the smart one or the hot one. I was just one. Well, when kuya was around he counted me as two... The first sentence Baby Jill learnt to say was, "I have big fat legs...like Tita Grace". So, apart from the fat on my body, my other great source of insecurity are my legs. Kuya lovely calls them, Tree Trunks, Thunder Thighs, you get the picture right? Anyway, Jo's parents recently came to Rome and asked me if I wanted anything. I asked Jo for Short Skorts (AKA Pekpek Skorts skirt+shorts). I had seen her wear it when I was last home and was looking everywhere for one to own. They had brought me a nice black one that didn't really fit when I first tried it on. Since Madrid though, I lost just a bit of weight, so I tried that on with a white shirt for the office. Then the comments started. It *may* have been slightly shorter than what is deemed appropriate for the office, but I figured that I'm small anyway, and it's not like I'm long legged and would cause a commotion. But apprently I did. I tried to keep myself as discreet as possible and not leave the office and was hiding (my legs) under the table. I had lunch with Pyro. We walked to L'Angolo for lunch. He started laughing. He's like, "What are you wearing?!" I was stressed for guests arriving and the pick up that I had arranged which was falling through. I was stressed because I didn't want people to see me to avoid more comments. He asked me that, "You're really hyper, whats wrong with you?" So I went through the whole thing. Ralphs friends coming over. Dondon who wasn't answering the phone. Me leaving to go to Brussels on Friday night - how nothing was working. Stress at the office. Meeting with SCB. It was quite a disasterous Friday. He told me about his updates with work and life in general. We left L'Angolo to go to the corner bar for coffee and he insisted that I walk out of the restaurant in front of him. From the corner of my eye, I could see that I was getting some heads to turn. I hate being the center of attention, but I do like the occasional glances. This was a bit more than I bargained for though. Pyro comes up from behind me and starts laughing harder, "God, you're making everyone's head turn. Did you see how many guys were breaking their necks to look at you?" No. I didn't look. I didn't want to. The walk to the corner bar was funny because he was noticing that every guy walking by was looking. He had to remark, "I hope I don't have to get into a fight with anyone". So, yay to me! Even though most days I feel fat and ugly, this one Friday lunch time, I was the hottest thing around with a nice pair of legs. Hey, Vanity for Vanity. I won't always be 29 and attractive. I might as well remember the good moments when they happen since they are so rare.
After work on Wednesday, I went over to Mayra's house for dinner, so we could calmly catch up with each other. Along the way, a car was trying to overtake me in a weird way. So when we got to the traffic light, the guy driving, looks at me, and I shot back a really irritated stare. When the light changed color, I sped off, but he kept trying to overtake me, in that really weird fashion. At the next traffic light, he honked at me. I thought something was wrong with the car, and I just couldn't see what.
I roll down the window and he hands me this piece of paper. "Here, take this," he says. I was baffled. I looked at him and he continued, "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen and when I first saw you I just had to give you this." I started going red (if a pinay can indeed blush). I didn't know what to do. I wanted to melt in my seat. I was so embarrased. This time when the light changed color, I really did speed off and tried my very best to lose him. After I had parked my car at Mayra's, I finally opened up the piece of paper. On a receipt, he had written, "Sei fantastica" and his number was written on it.
I burst out laughing. I was never that girl that got picked up at bars, clubs or just hanging out with friends. Of course, I'd never call him. I just found the entire situation funny. It was both flattering and extremly embarrasing.
*disclaimer* i'd never been the pretty one (and don't you start saying that its me seeking whatever. i'm not) i grew up being "fatso" and "thunder thighs" at home. With friends, i'd always be lost in the crowd as addie, jo, kari and angel always, ALWAYS had the spotlight. so this is something that has never happened to me before. and i just want to relish in my 30 seconds of random attention.
