Redemption

I've been feeling lost lately and very disconnected. Also, I feel overwhelmed with all these things going around me. I know I would have been different, if... well. I knew what was missing and what I needed, I just didn't go out and do anything about.
Last year, I expressed the desire to try again and I made it to mass on Ash Wednesday, "determined" to change. It didn't last very long. Less than a week. I haven't been to church since. Yes of course, I had gone for Christmas, however, due to my shortcomings, I knew I couldn't receive communion. I've been really heavy lately and down. I wanted to make these 40 days of Lent count for something for me. I never did anything great. Or different.
So, I told myself, this Holy Week, I'm going to try again. I don't feel the season, but I'll give it a shot. If I die tomorrow in some freak car accident, or if the world around me crashes due to an earthquake, I would have made peace within myself and with the One Up Above.
And even if I don't die tomorrow, I would be happy because I've finally given my oldest Friend a visit.
It wasn't at all easy especially since Ashley is leaving tomorrow and we had farewell drinks last night. I obviously skipped church yesterday. Today was overwhelming at work, but I tried. I made it home and walked nervously to church.
I was so sure that when I walked in I would have spontaneously combused, or a big spotlight would point me out, "sinner walking". The rosary was on its way and I quietly participated with it. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there was a 6.30pm mass that I could attend. I was even happier when I found out Fr. Antonio was back from Ostia and was a friendly face I could see in church.
After mass, I hung back and greeted Fr.Antonio, I asked him if it was ok to do confession tomorrow. Tonight, I'm looking up the guide for confession, hey, its been a while.
Today was a good day, overall. I was happy for the first time in a long time. After mass though, I felt so fulfilled. I felt like I could do anything and was just content with the moment. It's easy for that state of euphoria to disappear in me as I walked through the door and my reality set it.
Little by little right? Just taking things one step at a time.