Thank you.
I never know what to expect from a day. I can only hope that I am the best version of me that I can be.
But even trying can be hard. I finally found my song (well, for today). The video is really cool too.
Song: Breathe Me
Artist: Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
thoughts?
if i wanted to, i could do anything.
baby steps.
walking after work.
i have to.
studying.
maybe i should cut my sky. as painful as it would be.
that way, i'd be forced to study...
hhhmm.... i posted my room for rent, we'll see how that goes.
i have a weird feeling in the middle of my chest. like a silent warning of things to come. which, judging from my nerves, can't be anything good.
i need to be on my own. a revelation to me (after reading Kari's post some time back regarding honesty)
is that: I.AM.A.SPONGE.
i soak up everything and anything (hhhmmm...maybe I can still learn a new language after all)
i watch fasion shows, i feel like a designer and start wearing more daring clothes.
i watch top chef and think i can cook (i can't really, but then i try).
i'm now struggling with my budget, but thats good. that's the only way i'll learn how to juggle my OWN expenses.
having someone else will just complicate things.
However, with the rising price of gas and other commodities, its making it difficult for me to learn by myself.
i've reached the point wherein i've declared, i need financial help.
i know i'm not going to get any, nevertheless, thats not a reason not to try, right?
baby steps.
walking after work.
i have to.
studying.
maybe i should cut my sky. as painful as it would be.
that way, i'd be forced to study...
hhhmm.... i posted my room for rent, we'll see how that goes.
i have a weird feeling in the middle of my chest. like a silent warning of things to come. which, judging from my nerves, can't be anything good.
i need to be on my own. a revelation to me (after reading Kari's post some time back regarding honesty)
is that: I.AM.A.SPONGE.
i soak up everything and anything (hhhmmm...maybe I can still learn a new language after all)
i watch fasion shows, i feel like a designer and start wearing more daring clothes.
i watch top chef and think i can cook (i can't really, but then i try).
i'm now struggling with my budget, but thats good. that's the only way i'll learn how to juggle my OWN expenses.
having someone else will just complicate things.
However, with the rising price of gas and other commodities, its making it difficult for me to learn by myself.
i've reached the point wherein i've declared, i need financial help.
i know i'm not going to get any, nevertheless, thats not a reason not to try, right?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
dreaming dreams...
According to the REM website: As the night progresses, these intervals of REM increase in length until finally, the last two hours of slumber contain a high percentage of dreams. Therefore, we are more likely to catch ourselves dreaming towards the end of sleep - between the hours of five and eight in the morning for the average person.
I got up at 8 groggy from the last few minutes of dreaming I had encountered. It wasn't suppose to be this way, you're suppose to wake up refreshed-not distraught. They day was good for catching up with people. Cathy needed to talk to me. This was her last week at work and she's been going through drama at work. Personally, I never encountered those problems with people at work. My drama was more towards the system. I'm actually very happy with the people I work with. I'm especially happy that I can be detached. No bringing work home. You do your shift, 8.30-5 and go home. I'm very sorry for what Cathy's going through, I wish her last week wasn't ending this way. Hopefully, she'll have a happy ending yet.
Ralph called me in the afternoon to talk about the Eurovision and we caught up with issues with him. I'm very happy for my brother, but realized, I can be exceptionally critical and demanding. I stopped myself and asked him if he wanted me to be blinded supportive or honest. He choose the former and I had no other option but to comply. It was very funny.
I took a walk again after I got home. I decided since yesterday if I had to buy stuff near my house, I'd just park the car and walk. I hardly ever walk and I think its a good balance for me. So I went out yesterday to buy some dinner. I went out again today to buy some cleaning stuff. The walk isn't anything great. Just 10-20 minutes. But the days are longer now, I get to go out and see people, my surroundings. Its just different. I hope I can do this more. I've always been scared to go out of the house, unless I need to do something. Tomorrow will be a test, as there's nothing in particular I need to do. Yet, I'm no longer working long hours, I can leave at 5 be home at 5.30. Instead of staring at the computer, I can go out and just walk.
That sounds nice.
Personal issues: car and permit. Please, oh please. Let my issues end. I know every morning I pray for a raise and promotion. I want to pray for these other issues to be resolved - and soon! I know by Monday next week, I should get my fiscal code (new one) and hopefully be able to go get my car booklet (after another month of processing!). I just want it over with. Please, Lord? Please? And before I give hope with my document renewal, thinking its now lost forever. Can you please help me? A sign. I need a sign to understand what to do next. Please?
Overall, it was a good day. I hope to have more like them. With You.
I got up at 8 groggy from the last few minutes of dreaming I had encountered. It wasn't suppose to be this way, you're suppose to wake up refreshed-not distraught. They day was good for catching up with people. Cathy needed to talk to me. This was her last week at work and she's been going through drama at work. Personally, I never encountered those problems with people at work. My drama was more towards the system. I'm actually very happy with the people I work with. I'm especially happy that I can be detached. No bringing work home. You do your shift, 8.30-5 and go home. I'm very sorry for what Cathy's going through, I wish her last week wasn't ending this way. Hopefully, she'll have a happy ending yet.
Ralph called me in the afternoon to talk about the Eurovision and we caught up with issues with him. I'm very happy for my brother, but realized, I can be exceptionally critical and demanding. I stopped myself and asked him if he wanted me to be blinded supportive or honest. He choose the former and I had no other option but to comply. It was very funny.
I took a walk again after I got home. I decided since yesterday if I had to buy stuff near my house, I'd just park the car and walk. I hardly ever walk and I think its a good balance for me. So I went out yesterday to buy some dinner. I went out again today to buy some cleaning stuff. The walk isn't anything great. Just 10-20 minutes. But the days are longer now, I get to go out and see people, my surroundings. Its just different. I hope I can do this more. I've always been scared to go out of the house, unless I need to do something. Tomorrow will be a test, as there's nothing in particular I need to do. Yet, I'm no longer working long hours, I can leave at 5 be home at 5.30. Instead of staring at the computer, I can go out and just walk.
That sounds nice.
Personal issues: car and permit. Please, oh please. Let my issues end. I know every morning I pray for a raise and promotion. I want to pray for these other issues to be resolved - and soon! I know by Monday next week, I should get my fiscal code (new one) and hopefully be able to go get my car booklet (after another month of processing!). I just want it over with. Please, Lord? Please? And before I give hope with my document renewal, thinking its now lost forever. Can you please help me? A sign. I need a sign to understand what to do next. Please?
Overall, it was a good day. I hope to have more like them. With You.
Monday, May 26, 2008
The longest 30minutes of my life (so far)
Thank you for today.
I had a good day overall.
I got up early enough to cook and bring the food - and somehow, even though I left my normal late time. I made it to work 15minutes late! It was crazy busy the first half of the morning, but then things settled down, and work was fine.
Lunch was ok (although my food was far from perfect). My day just seemed to have passed by.
We finally got paid! Yipee!
And I decided to put Leo's weekly budget scheme into practice.
I had spent €10 during the day for food and a phone card. €20 went to gassing up the car.
When I tried to turn the car back on again (because when I gas up, I normally turn the car off). It refused to start.
Uh-oh.
Today, is after all, the 3rd year anniversary of the car. I guess it must have slipped my mind. Not to worry, the car made me remember she was three. The gas station didn't have a battery for me. They charged me up and sent me off.
They told me that I had to look for a mechanic. At this hour?! 5.30?! most of the shops are closed promptly at 6. It was an impossible task.
The car hiccuped all the way home. I guess it was its own way of charging up the dead battery. I was so scared.
I feared that the car would stop in the middle of the road.
Then I felt really alone.
If the car stopped (hopefully not in the middle of the road), and I was stranded, I honestly didn't know who I could call for help. Back home it would be easy. The family is always there, for better or for worse, their the one's you can bother knowing that even if they hate you for it, they'd still do it, and be around after that. (Not all friends are that dependable I found out, especially here).
I made it to my area and stopped at every place I could find open that may have a battery. I struck out the first two times, but as they say, third times a charm. The mechanics I stopped at, not only had a battery, but was also open until 7! Yipee!
It was 6 when I got there, and 6.45 when I left. Basically, it took the guy some time to change the battery. However, after he did, the car was in Error mode and refused to start. It wasn't until much later that they had figured out, the problem. It was the way the battery was placed in. Apparently, since the car is so electronic, that once something is out of place it refuses to start.
The embarrassing thing was that the service costed me €80 and I only had €70. Although I could have pleaded out "tawad", I felt like it was reasonable to pay the guy 80 (hell, I paid 200!!!! for the volvo's battery and I had only used it once!). Plus the relief and gratitude I felt. He did his job. Lets not over react, but it was in the moment when I really needed help and he pulled me through, so I told him that I would pass by the next day and pay the difference.
Thanks so much for being with me and holding my hand through this. I was seriously scared.
I know that this isn't a big deal. It is also a reality check for me.
If I am not able to run to other people myself, I better make damn sure I can take care of me.
I had a good day overall.
I got up early enough to cook and bring the food - and somehow, even though I left my normal late time. I made it to work 15minutes late! It was crazy busy the first half of the morning, but then things settled down, and work was fine.
Lunch was ok (although my food was far from perfect). My day just seemed to have passed by.
We finally got paid! Yipee!
And I decided to put Leo's weekly budget scheme into practice.
I had spent €10 during the day for food and a phone card. €20 went to gassing up the car.
When I tried to turn the car back on again (because when I gas up, I normally turn the car off). It refused to start.
Uh-oh.
Today, is after all, the 3rd year anniversary of the car. I guess it must have slipped my mind. Not to worry, the car made me remember she was three. The gas station didn't have a battery for me. They charged me up and sent me off.
They told me that I had to look for a mechanic. At this hour?! 5.30?! most of the shops are closed promptly at 6. It was an impossible task.
The car hiccuped all the way home. I guess it was its own way of charging up the dead battery. I was so scared.
I feared that the car would stop in the middle of the road.
Then I felt really alone.
If the car stopped (hopefully not in the middle of the road), and I was stranded, I honestly didn't know who I could call for help. Back home it would be easy. The family is always there, for better or for worse, their the one's you can bother knowing that even if they hate you for it, they'd still do it, and be around after that. (Not all friends are that dependable I found out, especially here).
I made it to my area and stopped at every place I could find open that may have a battery. I struck out the first two times, but as they say, third times a charm. The mechanics I stopped at, not only had a battery, but was also open until 7! Yipee!
It was 6 when I got there, and 6.45 when I left. Basically, it took the guy some time to change the battery. However, after he did, the car was in Error mode and refused to start. It wasn't until much later that they had figured out, the problem. It was the way the battery was placed in. Apparently, since the car is so electronic, that once something is out of place it refuses to start.
The embarrassing thing was that the service costed me €80 and I only had €70. Although I could have pleaded out "tawad", I felt like it was reasonable to pay the guy 80 (hell, I paid 200!!!! for the volvo's battery and I had only used it once!). Plus the relief and gratitude I felt. He did his job. Lets not over react, but it was in the moment when I really needed help and he pulled me through, so I told him that I would pass by the next day and pay the difference.
Thanks so much for being with me and holding my hand through this. I was seriously scared.
I know that this isn't a big deal. It is also a reality check for me.
If I am not able to run to other people myself, I better make damn sure I can take care of me.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
friendly to non friends?!
yesterday was the first time my friends mayra and rashad came over.
I've known these people since I started working in WFP.
I've been to their houses countless times, yet there never seemed like a good moment to come over to mine.
Their schedules were always booked and Mayra would hardly be in Rome for 3 weekends straight (proof of this is that she's flying to France on Wednesday and back on Monday, and she's only been back in Rome 2 weeks from her trip to the states).
I prepared pancit and lumpiang shanghai (kinda).
One bottle of wine was consumed by all three of us within the span of 2 hours. It actually hit me hard. After they left, I had an awful headache and couldn't do the dishes. In fact, I have to deal with the dishes after this post.
I brought out the magic sing that I had bought in January and Rashad just loved it.
He totally went for it.
He asked me to bring it for his dinner later that night.
4 Hours later, a very druken, slurish me arrived at Rashad's house across the city. I was just in time for dinner and (more) drinks which I avoided. The Karoke was brought out again. Dinner guests were: Mayra, Rashad (hosted), Sarah (Rashad's girlfriend), Liviana, Fabrizio and me.
Everyone gave it a go and we all won our 100's. Close to 1am, I made it out of there and headed home.
Having a discussion with Leo earlier on today, I told him I felt guilty about not calling Michelle about WFP. WFP now is looking for temp people. Something I "helped" another person do (she totally pissed me off when she couldn't create her own online cv. I ended up doing it for her, but then felt really annoyed. she should be able to do things on her own. if she can't, then i can't help her that much, can i?). But Mich had become a phantom. I tried to be nice, I tried to keep in touch, but she just ignores me. She does call when she needs something (like knowing when a job is available). I offered dinner at the house, however, she just never seemed interested.
Trying to reconnect, I opened the book today. And there it was, the "answer" to my question, whether i should be a good person to someone who obviously just doesn't care. Although, it also mentioned letting go of anger and guilt. I couldn't quite do that. Even though its been 5 years, it may take a little bit longer to heal. Especially since I thought I got rid of all traces of my mistakes, I found out, there was one place, I actually forgot to clean out.
Its 2pm. Time to start the day
I've known these people since I started working in WFP.
I've been to their houses countless times, yet there never seemed like a good moment to come over to mine.
Their schedules were always booked and Mayra would hardly be in Rome for 3 weekends straight (proof of this is that she's flying to France on Wednesday and back on Monday, and she's only been back in Rome 2 weeks from her trip to the states).
I prepared pancit and lumpiang shanghai (kinda).
One bottle of wine was consumed by all three of us within the span of 2 hours. It actually hit me hard. After they left, I had an awful headache and couldn't do the dishes. In fact, I have to deal with the dishes after this post.
I brought out the magic sing that I had bought in January and Rashad just loved it.
He totally went for it.
He asked me to bring it for his dinner later that night.
4 Hours later, a very druken, slurish me arrived at Rashad's house across the city. I was just in time for dinner and (more) drinks which I avoided. The Karoke was brought out again. Dinner guests were: Mayra, Rashad (hosted), Sarah (Rashad's girlfriend), Liviana, Fabrizio and me.
Everyone gave it a go and we all won our 100's. Close to 1am, I made it out of there and headed home.
Having a discussion with Leo earlier on today, I told him I felt guilty about not calling Michelle about WFP. WFP now is looking for temp people. Something I "helped" another person do (she totally pissed me off when she couldn't create her own online cv. I ended up doing it for her, but then felt really annoyed. she should be able to do things on her own. if she can't, then i can't help her that much, can i?). But Mich had become a phantom. I tried to be nice, I tried to keep in touch, but she just ignores me. She does call when she needs something (like knowing when a job is available). I offered dinner at the house, however, she just never seemed interested.
Trying to reconnect, I opened the book today. And there it was, the "answer" to my question, whether i should be a good person to someone who obviously just doesn't care. Although, it also mentioned letting go of anger and guilt. I couldn't quite do that. Even though its been 5 years, it may take a little bit longer to heal. Especially since I thought I got rid of all traces of my mistakes, I found out, there was one place, I actually forgot to clean out.
Its 2pm. Time to start the day
wondered off
I was once asked where I go to visit you.
I said, I don't.
It really bothers me that I feel so disconnected here.
I have always felt like an outcast in life, neither here nor there, but I took solace when I visit you.
When friends and I would share a moment with you.
Its stopped now and I feel so lost. So alone and I know its because I do miss you.
I don't make time for you anymore.
Therefore I decided, to make time for you here.
I'll just try and imagine that I'm up the tank for our usual talks, watching the sunset and waiting for the first stars...
With the mac of course
:)
I said, I don't.
It really bothers me that I feel so disconnected here.
I have always felt like an outcast in life, neither here nor there, but I took solace when I visit you.
When friends and I would share a moment with you.
Its stopped now and I feel so lost. So alone and I know its because I do miss you.
I don't make time for you anymore.
Therefore I decided, to make time for you here.
I'll just try and imagine that I'm up the tank for our usual talks, watching the sunset and waiting for the first stars...
With the mac of course
:)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
letter for you...
i've strayed off the path and i don't know where to go.
i've tried to hard to survive, i can no longer belong.
i feel outcast.
set aside.
alone.
i guess i'm feeling so disconnected because i am.
i miss you.
i miss our time together.
watching the sunset.
the first stars.
telling you how my day went.
listening to you.
its my own fault. i get so caught up with my life here and now, i don't get to check in. i don't drop by to say hi. and i have all this negative feelings simply because i miss you.
i'll try to make time...
please be patient with me.
i've tried to hard to survive, i can no longer belong.
i feel outcast.
set aside.
alone.
i guess i'm feeling so disconnected because i am.
i miss you.
i miss our time together.
watching the sunset.
the first stars.
telling you how my day went.
listening to you.
its my own fault. i get so caught up with my life here and now, i don't get to check in. i don't drop by to say hi. and i have all this negative feelings simply because i miss you.
i'll try to make time...
please be patient with me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Peter pan
If I could, just be forever a kid. I would want it so much.
I don't like this person I've become.
Whining about money, trying to budget, being responsible.
There's so much more to life and I feel confined not living it.
I'm just trying to survive.
That is not how I want to remember being 26.
But its a learning process.
I just am so tired of complaining.
I'm so tired of trying to keep it together.
I'm so tired of trying to survive.
but, here I am.
A cereal dinner in front of me, and my clean clothes piled to one side that I have to fix.
Here I am, wanting to have a cost free break from my routine, work-home, home-work.
A hobby maybe, or more time, because there can never be enough time.
I have fixed some of my parents admin problem here at home. Hopefully, hopefully, I will have more time ----to what?
Fix the house and file my papers. Of course, I need time to study too.
ARGH!
I need a FUN break. however, beggars can't be choosers.
I. am. So. Tired.
I don't like this person I've become.
Whining about money, trying to budget, being responsible.
There's so much more to life and I feel confined not living it.
I'm just trying to survive.
That is not how I want to remember being 26.
But its a learning process.
I just am so tired of complaining.
I'm so tired of trying to keep it together.
I'm so tired of trying to survive.
but, here I am.
A cereal dinner in front of me, and my clean clothes piled to one side that I have to fix.
Here I am, wanting to have a cost free break from my routine, work-home, home-work.
A hobby maybe, or more time, because there can never be enough time.
I have fixed some of my parents admin problem here at home. Hopefully, hopefully, I will have more time ----to what?
Fix the house and file my papers. Of course, I need time to study too.
ARGH!
I need a FUN break. however, beggars can't be choosers.
I. am. So. Tired.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The newest low
I said that I wouldn't complain about my money problems especially since I decided to give what little savings I had to my mother. Now I have nothing. Ok, not, nothing, but I have to save a certain amount a month so I can afford the bigger expenses such as the yearly car tune up, life savings and a little extra for whatever else. I'm not doing well. So I do actually have some money in the bank, but thats the "forced savings" knowing that I have a big expense coming up. I even have to pay ralph's half of insurance too. A while ago, I had a potential roommate look at the house, but she's proposing less that half of my rent, expenses included. I haven't decided yet, but i'm sure, lugi ako.
My newest low is trying to figure out how to survive this week up until payday on the 27th. What will I eat for lunch? I can opt to cook dinner home and ration it. Half for dinner, half for lunch the next day.
Today I opened a can of ligo sardines. It only has 4 pieces of fish. Yes, while I understand that there are people suffering and going through worse, and not actually eating, this seems to be a bit of a fall from grace. I added water and shutanghon para lang mas marami sya and i can hopefully make 4 meals out of it.
Bawi na lang ako sa rice, so I'm not really losing weight. My food schedule is just a little whack.
I added lemon, more tomato sauce para di mawala yung lasa with the water.
*sigh*
My rice is ready. I better go eat, my one meal a day now.
My newest low is trying to figure out how to survive this week up until payday on the 27th. What will I eat for lunch? I can opt to cook dinner home and ration it. Half for dinner, half for lunch the next day.
Today I opened a can of ligo sardines. It only has 4 pieces of fish. Yes, while I understand that there are people suffering and going through worse, and not actually eating, this seems to be a bit of a fall from grace. I added water and shutanghon para lang mas marami sya and i can hopefully make 4 meals out of it.
Bawi na lang ako sa rice, so I'm not really losing weight. My food schedule is just a little whack.
I added lemon, more tomato sauce para di mawala yung lasa with the water.
*sigh*
My rice is ready. I better go eat, my one meal a day now.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
sweet moment...
just so you don't think the only thing i do is whine and complain.
there are the little things that just make me smile....
and an email from leo every morning is one of them....
and right now, i'm having my kilig moment
"I miss you so much, and my dream is to have you by my side every morning that I wake up…"
there are the little things that just make me smile....
and an email from leo every morning is one of them....
and right now, i'm having my kilig moment
"I miss you so much, and my dream is to have you by my side every morning that I wake up…"
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