nothing has changed

 i need to grow up

...tank moments....: letting go and moving on...

5 years later i still find myself in the weird cycle of overinvesting in other people and never in myself.

less didn't reply yesterday. he still didn't reply today. he didn't reply, so what, he didn't reply, maybe he's busy, maybe he doesn't want to call or to connect so lets leave it there. i wanted to wish him a lovely weekend but then i thought why

for what? lets see what happens on monday. if he'll reach out at all. otherwise i'll be sad to walk away. after we had the talk he calmed down a bit was a bit more open and now he's shut up again. whatever. i'll be distant when i come back, there's really nothing more to say, i tried and now i'm tired.i'll just make the presents that i'm supposed to and thats that. limit interactions.

also because no one should really know who i am - not in that place. its better not.

i only ever wanted good working relations. now if i made them awkward i'm very much at peace to go back into my own hole. 

so this is how i start the weekend.

do you think about me

Do you think about me?

Lahar

Drunk and standing in the rain
Walking out a bar I always said was lame
Is it okay that I'm lonely when her lips are on me?
Now, do you think about me?

Why can't I say that you're the reason I'm still awake?
Why can't I say that I'm terrified that I'll dream of your face?
I keep falling to pieces
Why can't I say that I need to know?
Do you think about me?

Do you think about me when you're driving
1975, his hands on your thighs climbing
Do you think about me when you're high?
And you can't fall asleep 'cause you're trying
Does everything remind you of the stupid night that we fell in love?
Do you think about me?

Why can't I say that you're the reason I'm still awake?
Why can't I say that I'm terrified that I'll dream of your face?
I keep falling to pieces
Why can't I say that I need to know?
Do you think about me?

Do you ever think about me
When he's tracing your body with his fingertips
Trying to pull you into his?
Do you ever think about me
On a night like this?
Do you think about me?

I still hate to fall asleep
Without your hair pressed to my cheek
I wish I could've found a way to be exactly what you need
I don't wanna fall asleep
With someone else right next to me
I wonder how you're doing now
(Do you think about me?)

Why can't I say that you're the reason I'm still awake?
Why can't I say that I'm terrified that I'll dream of your face?
I keep falling to pieces
Why can't I say that I need to know?
Do you think about me?

Do you ever think about me
When he's tracing your body with his fingertips
Trying to pull you into his?
Do you ever think about me
On a night like this?
Do you think about me?

last goodbye

 there seems to be a running theme

Last goodbye

Sunkis

It's been a quick minute
It's nice to see we changed for sure
Oh, for better or for worse
Won't you hold me like it's our first time? Yeah

Oh, I couldn't wrap my head around it
You still leave me speechless
Every time we speaking
But hear me out this time
Baby, listen, hear me whine

so give me one last night
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) to say our last goodbye (last goodbye)
Last goodbye (last goodbye, babe)
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) so give me one last night
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) to say our last goodbye
Last goodbye

You moved to Manhattan (ah, hey)
I'm feelin' you slip away (away)
Nah, we don't have to fake
This will never be the same
After this, it's better I stay away

Our love was messy, we had some crazy highs
We made some big mistakes, girl, but I know we tried
Oh, so hear me out this time, babe
So just listen one more time

so give me one last night
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) to say our last goodbye (last goodbye)
Last goodbye (last goodbye, babe)
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) so give me one last night
(Ooh, ooh, ooh) to say our last goodbye (hey, yeah)
Last goodbye

Far away

 one day at a time

Far away

Peter Fenn

We try
Keep it together, but it's hard now
So we lie
We say, "We're okay", but we're not fine (not fine)

I'm losing you, but I don't want to
I need you by my side

We keep getting a little bit farther away
Each and every day
Darling, won't you stay with me?
No, the feelings haven't gone away
Wanna be okay
I don't wanna feel far, far away

You're sitting right next to me, but I don't know where you've been
Come home then we go to sleep, no we don't talk no more
Let me know that you're with me, show a sign that you care
Need to know that you still feel something in there

I'm losing you, but I don't want to
I need you by my side

We keep getting a little bit farther away
Each and every day
Darling, won't you stay with me?
No, the feelings haven't gone away
Wanna be okay
I don't wanna feel far

We keep getting a little bit farther away
Each and every day
Darling, won't you stay with me?
No, the feelings haven't gone away
Wanna be okay
I don't wanna feel far

We keep getting a little bit farther away
Each and every day
Darling, won't you stay with me?
No, the feelings haven't gone away
Wanna be okay
I don't wanna feel far, far away

what you're made of

 What You're Made Of

Song by Arrested Youth 

I still act like I did back in the sixth grade

Shit stained, snotty nose, whiny little bitch face

Throwing temper tantrums in the bathroom
Toothpaste all over my switch blade
I wonder if I carve this grin into my skin
My life would be a joke then I'd feel better than I did
I wonder if I carve this grin into my skin
My life would be a joke

Yeah, now I'm back
Oh, look at that
You're talking smack
I've been through hell but now I'm back

When death comes knocking at your door
And nothing's left worth fighting for
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of
Kingdom come is falling down
No one's left to save you now
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of

It's been twenty-one days since I played the news
CNN fucks with my brain and mood
There's only so much that a man can take
Thinking 'bout death in the office place

I stopped sending texts again
I wonder if I keep this up, will I still have friends?
People get offended when I don't reply
I feel relieved by the silence, but I don't know why

Yeah, now I'm back
Oh, look at that
You're talking smack
I've been through hell but now I'm back

When death comes knocking at your door
And nothing's left worth fighting for
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of
Kingdom come is falling down
No one's left to save you now
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of
Show me what you're made of

I walk alone down the street
Don't need your prayer, no sympathy
I wear my pride 'round my neck
So it's best you watch your step
'Cause I've been up, I've been down
I've been kicked out on the ground
But I stand tall where I'm at
Been to hell but now I'm back

When death comes knocking at your door
And nothing's left worth fighting for
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of
Kingdom come is falling down
No one's left to save you now
Say a little prayer and pull the rug
Show me what you're made of

Show me what you're made of

coloblind

 and..... somehow we're here:

Colorblind

Mokita

No it's (thank you)
I can't really, can't really just explain it's
I don't know it's, uh
I try

Slow down
I know you wanna understand
So I'll explain the best I can
What this pain feels like
It's hard
'Cause even as I'm sitting here
I would rather disappear
Than face the world outside

I'm floating in a fallen sky
I'm okay, well, maybe not
(Here it comes again)

So I breathe, am I gonna drown?
You'll be fine, I say it out loud
I should let someone know
Maybe when I'm better
So I breathe, will it ever end?
You'll be fine, I say it again
I should let someone know
That something doesn't feel right
It's like I'm colorblind
(It's like I'm colorblind)
'Cause everybody's world's in color
Except for mine

It sucks
'Cause everything's in black and white
And I can't say I'm numb inside
'Cause that just sounds so dark
It's hard
'Cause even as we're sitting here
I'm fighting off a constant fear
But no one sees that part

It's like I'm floating in a blacked out sky
You think you're okay, then you're not
(Here it comes again)

So I breathe, am I gonna drown?
You'll be fine, I say it out loud
I should let someone know
Maybe when I'm better
So I breathe, will it ever end?
You'll be fine, I say it again
I should let someone know
That something doesn't feel right (right)
It's like I'm colorblind
(It's like I'm colorblind)
'Cause everybody's world's in color
Except for mine

love me from a distance

 

I don't even know why I'm holdin' on
When sayin' it out loud kinda just feels wrong
Living in the moment can feel so alone
(Living in the moment can feel so alone)
I'm always sayin'

I need some time to be by myself
But when I see you, I can't even help
Losin' all my senses, you leave me defenseless
Baby, I can love you but you know my defenses

I don't wanna need you while I'm healin'
I don't wanna be pickin' up pieces
When I know you could leave
So I'ma let you love me from a distance

A couple drinks in, finally sayin' what I mean
Where the hell is holding back even really getting me?
When I could be livin' my truth
You know what I gotta do
Baby, I know it's you
I'm always sayin'

I need some time to be by myself
But when I see you, I can't even help
Hoppin' on the freeway to finish what we started
I don't even care if I end up brokenhearted

I don't wanna need you while I'm healin'
I don't wanna be pickin' up pieces
When I know you could leave (and I know you could leave)
So I'ma let you love me from a distance

I don't wanna need you while I'm healin' (yeah-yeah)
I don't wanna be pickin' up pieces
When I know you could leave
So I'ma let you love me from a distance

I'ma let you love
I'ma let you love me from a-
I'ma let you love
I'ma let you love me from a distance
From a distance (oh-ooh-ah-aah)

 as soon as i read this, it hit home, so let me leave this here:

The More Loving One

By W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well

That, for all they care, I can go to hell,

But on earth indifference is the least

We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am

Of stars that do not give a damn,

I cannot, now I see them, say

I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,

I should learn to look at an empty sky

And feel its total dark sublime

Though this might take me a little time.

September 1957

waiting for tomorrow

….
I reached out to friends, whoever I could find, near and far, but I was putting more pressure on the friends I had near to meet me....

i'm jealous of my younger brother and his friends, they make time for each other, one in japan, one in manila and my brother, for the moment, brussels. they make the effort and they save and they make the time once a year to see each other and as my brother says, its an effort to maintain a friendship. but if its important. they'll go and work on it.


as for me....
no one showed up when I called and pleaded and asked for company. while I was initially hurt (and still hurt even if just a bit) I realized, what can I expect from people
if I don't spend time with my friends - real quality time with them, how can I expect them to show up for me. text messages don't count as spending time with people.
so I will have to show up.




and for now, i'll have to lick my wounds on my own.

time flies

oh wow.
i haven't written since march?! really?
things have been just going on that i haven't had a moment to type.
i do have new songs i'd like to randomly post as well.
everything that needed to happened, has happened (the major ones) and the little events in life are still ongoing...making time to make bread or candy or playdates
that this time for the tank hasn't happened yet.
i've made time for everyone except me.... and its not strictly true... i couldnt make time to play with jordan because i was making dinner and dessert and he wanted to do arts and crafts and i couldn't make time....         i felt so bad

timing is everything

do you guys believe in timing?
i felt that this first quarter of the year is all about setting the stage, the second part is the execution, 3rd and 4th is hopefully just enjoying.
like the promised promotion that was on hold, looking for houses in one area and then the meanne leaving to make me look for houses nearer to the school to looking for meanne's replacement, to filippo's assignment or not assignment and to my own healing and self worth....

somehow i felt these were all scenarios set up and everything will start happening april 1.
in theory, i would move to the new office april 1, meanne's replacement will come april 1....
we have some houses to look at this week and i'm hoping that we can decide and make an offer...in april 1.

i'm scared of change. and this will be one hell of a change.

i should probably attend a course to help me with this new role and with all the other dynamics going on, it will make things a bit more complicated....

just a moment

so on sunday.... an ethiopian airline crashed.

This was our homepage on Monday. Today it was different and they added another person.

all the people on the airline died... there were no survivors. from our organization, there were 8 people on board. and one of them i knew well enough. in fact, the photo above doesn't do them justice.... 

for some, it was their first mission. what could go wrong with attending a conference? for others, they had been in war zones, and traveled in unsafe conditions... and it was just bad luck, ill fate, the plane crashed. 

everyone was in tears yesterday and our flag was at half mast.... 5 out of the 8 were from HQ, so we had bumped into them and interacted with them and this happened.... 

feeling strange

over the past 7 years, I've always signed up to do the language proficiency exam. save for 5 years ago, when i passed spanish at the b level, i had always failed....this year the invitiation for the registration of the exam came out and i did not sign up for it...
this is the first year i haven't been studying spanish or listening to anything in spanish, it's quite odd.
i'll definitely try it next year but for now its on the back burner as other things need to happen first.

oh and side note, i haven't posted about the bus in the longest time, haven't heard from either in just as long.... yesterday i nearly got hit by a bus...a police bus.... and i thought that was funny

just hit pause

no filters and no b.s.

i have to find a bigger house and now it'll have to be closer to where jordan and julie will go to school. they are changing school in september and i need the house to be closer to them. why? because meanne has decided to leave.
in a month.
so now i also have to look for a part timer...and get my act together in the mornings.
because i will be doing that solo, as filippo will go to kyrgyzstan. when? i dont know yet.
all of these things are happening all together....
so i'm slightly overwhelmed and more than anything want to run away until i know how to process my emotions and decide what to do... but i can't do that can i? i have to just do.
but for now allow me my 5 mins to breathe and admit, i'm not in a good place now.
i need to hit pause.

life, death and motherood

stefano has always been a gentlemen to me. he's been working in finance since i got here....

there were rumors that he was sleeping around but he's always been nice and professional to me. a big brother in the office.
when i had more time we used to have breakfast together. he would share his family stories or work adventures, etc.
so he's normally warm and smiling and always nice. i ran into him this morning and he had such a clouded face, he didn't even see me.
so i sent him a message, i don't know whats going on with you but looks like you need a hug, so here's a virtual one from me to you.
he replies, thank you.
my dad passed away last week so i'm not in the best of moods.
so later in the morning, he sits me down and he tells me about his dad, who has had a great stretch and the cycle of life is such. i started crying. imagine being so used to having your dad for 50 years and from one day to the next he isn't there. the neighbor that you always had next door, isn't there anymore.
he told me that now they are taking care of his mother who has alzhimers .... my heart broke because he even posed the question, imagine not even knowing your own sons....
and that struck home. i'm a mom now, and all the things i complain about my kids, them fighting, or not having me sleep at night or the good things as well, like this morning waking up with julie next to me giving me kisses,  and jordan who woke up as well and snuggled next to me.... all of those memories don't exist in a person who has alzhimers and i'm so afraid of the day that that would happen to me - i'm fairly certain it won't but that doesn't make it less painful
so i cried in front of him. like i'm crying now, typing this entry. i could not imagine loving two people so much that my heart is overflowing with love and with immense sadness think that there are some moms who don't remember ever being moms.....
and then i had lunch with the carpenter who just recently became a dad... but in the process almost lost his wife. there was a 72 hour stretch of when his daughter was just born that he had faced the possibility of going home with a new baby and no wife.

and here i am crying again....

my morning view

i have instagram but its not as fun as blogging, i find at least that i don't have time to write what i could on my phone...

i love the sunrise as well as the sunsets and watching the moon rise... that's why i always went up the tank.

the surreal hues of purple and orange and pink always tugged at my heart... i could be looking at a waste land at sunset and i would still be in awe... luckily for me, i have one of the most important churches outside my window. and no two morning sunrises or moonrises are ever the same.

its the only thing that really calms me down and helps me find reason among all the madness in the world.... 

procrastinator that is me....

hey, laura.... saw this and thought of us....

its true somewhat right?
i think jordan is an original... i can't get him to sit straight to do something

maybe there's nothing wrong with me

you believe that everyone is good....

Why empaths attract narcissists 

just because its monday

Udes was feeling terrible which is normal for a monday but then he called us all for a Mcdonalds lunch and thats when you know things were bad for him. He never eats badly and he was defintely trying to get people to eat along with him.

I get a pop up on my computer, "do you want to be bad?"

I told him, uhm wrong chat.... i'm refuse to see latex gloves at the work place

this goes on for a bit and then there was another pop up

"dai...vieni con me... you know you want to" 

in the end he won and we went to do drive thru 

we have our lunch and chitchatted a bit, then he gets a call on his mobile and he hesistates. i go, ok, i guess this is our cue to leave. so we're all getting ready to leave, elena says, oh, i can take a nap now.

Sedulio holds her arm as he goes, hello, yes, this is he.

we burst into silent giggles.

can you imagine the person on the other side?

it took him forever to answer the phone, and when he does, before he could say anything, a woman's voice pipes out, oh i can take a nap now - yes it would definitely give you the wrong impression unless you were there.

we had a good laugh for at least 15 minutes. that was nice.

just to laugh.

30 seconds to mars

so thirty seconds to mars is coming to Rome for a concert and I'm undecided if i want to go or not because its almost EUR70 for a band i like but am not in love with and because i'd have to go alone.
going alone is not such a bad thing. i'm not afriad ...or maybe i am just a little. but it's good to have alone experiences. it just would have been nice to share it with someone.

anyway, it got neo and me talking on the kitchen counter, drinking tea and talking about music...
that was the first time in a long, long time that we had just our little moment like that....

and it made me fall in love with him all over again.