-hurt-

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Extra energy

Must have been from all the junk I've been eating lately - surprisingly enough, for a person who is constantly broke, I've managed to gain weight!
In anycase, I know its no big deal, but it was for me. I managed to work. Have the car cleaned at lunch time. Finish the day, go home and do more house stuff. I put in the whites due to be washed. I swept the floor of the house. I managed pruning some of the plants that needed attention. Has to be continued tomorrow. I gave my feet its much needed attention, foot soak and scrub. Then a nice french tip pedicure. Hung out the clothes, watered the plants. Made dinner and up until a few minutes ago, was fixing the clothes (previously washed that haven't been fixed yet). I hope I can maintain this energy tomorrow too so the house and my clothes can all be taken cared of.

Thats for the boost. I've been really lazy lately. I hope that doesn't last too long.

As tagged by Kari

Last Will and Testament:
(should anything happen this year to me)

1. My pension and all the money I can claim from work has been left to my parents.
(Its one of the first thing we sign when we start working here, just in case anything should *happen* - we have a high mortality rate - not that high but it happens often enough to make it one of the first things we do when we join.)

2. My life insurance has both my brothers on it as beneficiaries - which remind me, I need to update that once Leo and I get together.

3. Should my family come over, they could possibily be bringing home my possessions to divide amongst the rest of the family (extended included): I'm guessing this to include the car, my bags (my mom would love those), my clothes, my jewelry will go to my mom and Juliana (sorry kuya but I don't trust you) so mom can decide which jewelry she'll give to baby Jill. My brothers get first dibs at my books, CDs, DVD's - my Phil friends can take the left overs (sorry guys). Ate will probably get all my shoes. The furniture, they might want too (TV, DVD Player, dining set, plates, pots, etc.) Cell phones can go to family too.

4. I would however like to leave the following for Leo: All the stuff toys I have (the ones we bought each other), my Macbook, external drive, the fine china for Leo. The swarovski angel his parents gave to me for Christmas years back and IPOD.

Off the top of my head, here's the list I can come up with.
It could of course change after I give it more thought.

I don't have much, that's all that I have to give.

Kari, when the hell did you get into an accident?!

*ps: i deleted the part about one piece of good jewelry for my friends, only because I realized that I don't have that many! hahahaha....*

The Choice

I have in front of me, is one I want to make.
Without thinking of any other consequences. I want to do this, simply because I am able to. There is an opportunity, why not take it?
I can't be that selfish, so I ask for Your blessing. Please, I believe this opportunity will help me grow and I can learn a lot.
If I really will, please let me go.
Let me do something to help.

This isn't how its suppose to be...

how did we end up here?
Frustrated, anxious, alone and constantly wondering when will the joy begin.
there are days when i crave the attention.
i do have other things to do, there is laundry that needs to be ironed, socks that need to be folded and clean shirts to be put away. but isn't that all much better done in natural light as opposed to fluorescent light?
i'm trying to reach out to you, but you're not listening. you're busy.
and i'm on hold.
but i knew you were going to be busy, so i have to be understanding.
i would move heaven and earth, part the oceans, to be with you - with just that inkling that you need me.
i'm reaching out and i'm being ignored.
the conversation shook me.
the news i've received the past 24 hours are still unnerving me.
hell, i'm just recovering.
i guess i can busy myself in my useless tasks, but the nagging feeling won't go away. it can't.
only because i want to talk to you.
to hear the reassurance in your voice, that this too will pass and we'll be ok.
maybe i'll just go to bed. maybe i can go to work early tomorrow and talk to my friend.
:)
maybe she won't put me on hold

Groupie for the day

I got to hang out with Noel and Dennis for the Day and see how ABS events go...

Mind you, I only went out there because of Ate, I was hoping to score something nice for her.
It didn't happen but it was an experience.

forgotten blessings

i wanted to say thank you for the week....
i just don't want to jinx it.
would i jinx it if i say thanks for all the things going well so far this week?
will i no longer have a surprise tomorrow, if i say it now?
.....
i'll say it anyway....
i know you're never got stop giving anyway.
.....
thank you my new fiscal code. - something that should have been right the first time round, and delivered within 2 weeks and of course with my luck, it was wrong and took longer than a month. but i finally got it. monday was a holiday here, so i couldn't process my car papers...i did it on tuesday....
thank you for finally ending the 3 month saga of trying to get the car in my name....it took 3 months, and when i went there on tuesday morning, it took (the actual getting of what i need) 5 minutes. literally, it was just the woman needed to type into the machine my various information and print it - so we'll forget the part wherein i got there and was made to wait because they were still at coffee break and didn't feel like entertaining anyone for half hour. or the part wherein the woman screwed up my information because she couldn't copy properly. THANK YOU! that part is over.
The car is now legally mine. All corners covered.
Finally, thank you for getting in motion my nagging prayer of.... Its finally going to happen, hopefully. *fingers crossed*
and soon, and just maybe, I'll still find a way to survive.

Thank you for all of this, for my health. My family's health and for love. Thank you for Leo and my friends.
Thank you always for the opportunity to better myself. To know myself more and to be the person who makes you proud.
.....

I have a lot to be grateful for...pero, isang hirit na lang.... can something be done about my permesso...?
i just want to convert it into a card and be able to travel.... please?

hehehe...in true human fashion, the gifts weren't enough...may isang hirit lagi.... but this is the last thing i'm waiting for, before i can finally breathe.

swamped

....i constantly feel like i don't belong anywhere...
with anyone....
i get so immersed in my work, there isn't one friend, i'd give up my work for to happily spend time with them.
:(
this isn't life....
there's much more than this....