taken for granted

and i didn't think i'd find myself here again - but i am....
it's amazing how much i give myself - i personally consider what i give is a lot, only to be disregarded by a friend. nothing i had done was apparently good enough and was easily forgotten.
i'm not saying i should be her world and obviously, it's a good thing that she moves on and creates her own circle of friends but still....

makes it seem that the effort was in vain....

it's fine. now i know how and where i stand in her life and to what extent i should actually involve myself with her affairs.

you live and learn.

Bogs

There's something disquieting my "normal" state of being. Luckily for me, it's not a mystery as to why. Problem is I don't know what to do in order to make myself better.
I had dinner with Bogs last night. I hadn't seen him in over 8 years.
History:
Bogs was a seminarian here in Rome. I met him my first year in Rome, and as you may recall, I didn't have much friends back in the day. I took whoever had time for me and one of them was Bogs. The week before he left to go back to the Philippines, he declared something, "I haven't thought about kissing a girl in the longest time, until I met you".

This would have been nice and romantic, if it was from a person who was hurt by love before and found it all over again. Except it wasn't. It was creepy.

I realized last night, that he was hanging out with me before because he wanted to try something. Ugh. Anyway, he got ordained as a priest and is stationed in Cebu. There's this big event this weekend, we will have another Filipino Saint. We only have one so far, so this canonization of Pedro Calungsod is a huge deal here. Vice President Binay is here, Imelda Marcos is rumoured to attend, as well as boxing champion, Manny Pacquio. It happens on Sunday. So Bogs is here among the many Visayans and Filipinos in general for this. He is unfortunately a friend on my Facebook, (I'm considering deleting him) and he asked me for my number months ago since he knew he was coming over. I figured after all this time, he's probably changed, so what's the harm. MISTAKE.

Already 3 weeks ago, he started sending messages on Viber. Half of them I didn't even reply to anymore. Once, we even went as far as to call me up at 2am and followed it with a message saying, What the weather like there. I wanted to kill him.

So he got to Rome and messaged me, "I'm in Rome, when are you buying me dinner?" and I'm thinking to myself, damn priests from the Philippines, so used to being spoilt and attended to. I ground my teeth together and remembered that my mother and the nuns did try to raise me right, so I'll meet him at least for dinner and if it goes bad at least I did my part.

He had aged a lot in the past 8 years. He told me I hadn't changed. I don't know the english word for "gigil" but that's what he was like towards me. Nangigigil sya. We had dinner in an expensive restaurant somewhere in the Borgo. It wasn't my first choice but as soon as I picked him up from the Vatican, his first words to me were, I'm hungry. The food was acceptable but ridiculously over priced. He told me what he's been up to and hinted towards, not necessarily being happy. I actually asked him directly, you're not happy and he said, no i am, i am. It's just work is a lot etc. He asked me how Ralph got into the DFA and if he could do that too. The first thing he told me when he saw me was, he's been a priest for 5 years now and it's going to expire soon. He would say all that and then say, I'm joking, come on, etc. Whatever.

At the end of the night, I dropped him off near his hotel and he said, can you please let me know when you get home. Typical filipino. It took me a bit longer to get home since I did a detour and then he started calling. Normally the concern would have touched me but it just irritated me. Then the messages came in, Where are you now? Where are you now?
Oh I forgot to mention, after dinner, he asked, when can I see you again. Can I see you on Saturday? Monday? Can you leave the office early? I just gave vague excuses. Because it was feeling forced and heavy and I didn't like it.
Anyway, I get home and message him on viber to tell him I got home. My phone was dying. It really was and I had forgotten the charger in the car. I was tempted to leave it there as well since I was so tired. He replies, can I call you. I replied, my phone is dying and i forgot the charger, what's up. His reply pissed me off, "i think you have the charger there". I insisted that I didn't and says, "meron lang bang kasing makakarinig, kaya ayaw mo akong tumagawag?" GGGGRRRRRRR....I said, my phone is dying and i don't have a charger, what's with you!?

Binawi nya, wag ka na magtampo....luckily my phone died at that point and I just left it.

Maybe I'm in a state of shock. Realizing maybe how far I've come in life. When I thought the only people who would accept me would be priests. I guess I was so lonely and desperate at the time. Or that I had been conditioned by HIM, that no one "normal" would ever love me for being who I am. In any case, I've finally learnt to accept myself and lo and behold, there are other people who take me as me. And they aren't priests.

life is simple

after talking to Bio and Bubbles, I realized, i shouldn't give in to every little thing SHE asks. it's time to let go na...
and i'm not doing this to be a bad person to her, but a better person to me.

i mean, kakaiba yung mga favors nya...and the latest one is this, she's asking me for ideas when she's asking someone else already...so i told her, listen, if you're already asking someone else, let them help you. fuck, why do you need to bother me about this.

gggrrr...too much resentment here

...i can't believe, i have fallen...for you

Congratulations!

Today Kari and Vien, in New York are tying the knot. Its been an amazing 365 days. I should know. This time last year, Kari and I were skyping practically every day and our issues last year would never have us imagine in our wildest dreams that this is where we'd end up.

Being of the creative sort (and of course slightly broke as another motivating factor), Kari decided to do the decorations, souvenirs and add the Kari touch to everything she could....

Hand embroidered by the bride

paper roses

Groom's Buttonaire

Bride's Bouquet

Paper roses before and after. Process includes cutting, dipping in color and curling!

Ta-Da!!! Finished product

for the Rings

and the table decorations...

Beverage Glasses

Lavender Muslin Bags

Thanks, Kari

"A Sense of Purpose"
-Daisaku Ikeda

"We realize our purpose in life by doing our very best where we are right at this moment, by thinking about what we can do to improve the lives of those right around us."

"Why was I born into this world?" is a question which everyone asks themselves at least once in their life. I believe that having a deep sense of purpose - knowing in the depths of one's being what one was born for, is a great source of happiness.
A successful entrepreneur once remarked that even among the world's wealthiest people, those who lack a real sense of purpose in life often spend their final years in lonely solitude. Sometimes, having amassed great wealth and realized all their worldly ambitions, he found that they were left with a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness.

On the other hand, to be filled each day with a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose, a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment - people who feel this way are happy. Those who have this sense of satisfaction, even if they are extremely busy, are much happier than those who enjoy great ease and leisure but feel empty inside.

A clear sense of purpose gives birth to courage and wisdom. It enables you to look beyond the victory or defeat of the moment and see things in their true perspective, it can fill each instant of life with joy, even in the midst of trying circumstances.
Whatever their occupation - mother, company employee, artist, fisherman or farmer, I believe that each person has their own path in life; a unique mission that only they can fulfill.

Discovering this purpose or mission is a lifelong task. It is not something that someone can tell you or that comes upon you all of a sudden. You, yourself, must find the reasons for living, the unique contribution that is yours and yours alone to make.
Buddhism uses the example of flowering fruit trees - cherry, plum, pear, etc - to illustrate how each person has a unique mission in life. A cherry tree fulfils its purpose by blooming and bearing fruit as a cherry tree. It never tries to be anything other than itself. It never imitates the blossoms of other flowering trees or wastes time being jealous of them. Rather, it patiently bears the frosts and snows of winter, drawing energy from the earth itself, pushing its roots deeper into the soil. Then, with the arrival of spring, in a burst it unleashes all the life force that it had been storing up, sending forth countless blossoms.
Everyone has some kind of gift. Being talented does not mean just being a good musician, writer or athlete. There are many kinds of talent. You may be a great conversationalist, or make friends easily, or be able to put others at ease. Or you may have a gift for telling jokes, selling things or living economically. You may be punctual, patient, reliable, kind or optimistic. Or you may love taking on new challenges, be strongly committed to helping others, or have an ability to bring them joy. Without doubt, you possess your special jewel, your own unique talent.

In the same way, each of us has a mission that only we can fulfill. That mission will not be found somewhere far away, in doing something special or extraordinary. Even those people who seem to have led great lives have really only done what they felt they had to do in order to truly be themselves.

We realize our purpose in life by doing our very best where we are right at this moment, by thinking about what we can do to improve the lives of those right around us.

I often think of the life of Rosa Parks, an ordinary African American woman returning home after a hard day's work in the tailoring section of a department store by bus one evening in December 1955. Although the bus driver ordered her to give up her seat to a white passenger, as the discriminatory laws of the times required, she refused. Her single word, "No." - the courage of this one ordinary woman - changed history, and her ordinary day took on an eternal significance. Rosa Parks was arrested for her resistance and this set off an explosion of righteous anger among the African American population, largely because of the regard in which she was held - she was respected in her community as a cheerful, warm and intelligent woman. A boycott of the bus service was organized, and within a year segregated busing had been declared illegal throughout the United States.
When I first met Rosa Parks I was struck by her warm personality. She was humble and yet I could see that she was a person of unbending conviction. Now in her eighties, Rosa Parks remains an untiring champion of civil rights, working especially to share hope and a vision of the future with the young people she loves so dearly. Through her sense of conviction, this solitary individual became a leader who transformed the world. One moment of bravery opened the path of her mission in life.
You cannot discover and realize your purpose in life with half-hearted efforts. To follow the dream in your heart and fulfill your mission requires true courage. Not the courage of battlefield heroes, but a courage much closer to home. Most of us, before being defeated by a problem, are first defeated by ourselves. A weak-spirited or cowardly person, before hesitating at the wall of an obstacle, will shrink before his own shadow, frightened by his own imagination, and will be ultimately undone by the coward in his own heart.

Courageous people are first masters of their own heart. I firmly believe that courage is the key that opens the door to happiness.

To create value and contribute to the world, what do you need? You need to develop and polish your character until it shines. The ultimate strengths in life are not a clever tongue or wealth; nor fame or power. The real 'weapon' or 'tool' for living a successful life is what is left over when all empty artifice has been stripped away - the quality of your character as an individual. And small, steady efforts to develop yourself are what will lead you to the greatest happiness in the end.
You will not find your mission by standing still. The way to find it is by challenging yourself in something - I would almost say it does not matter what. Then by making consistent effort, the direction you should take will open up before you quite naturally, just as wide, new horizons open up before someone walking up a hill. Little by little you will come to understand your mission. That is why it is so important to have the courage to ask yourself what it is that you should really be doing now, at this very moment.

It is likewise important to set your sights high. The greater the tasks you choose to take on - one step at a time - the more rewarding and joyful your life will be. If you decide to dedicate your life to a truly noble objective, such as the work of creating a peaceful world for future generations, then you will be able to savor a truly deep sense of satisfaction and happiness.
A person with a strong sense of mission is a source of light. For such a person, there is no darkness in the world. And just as a single lighthouse can guide many ships through dangerous waters, a single person shining with the light of genuine happiness can help friends and family - their entire society - find the smooth open waters of peace and fulfillment.

Sis has moved out

and into his own new pad!

Sis wanted to make Pan Brioche but it didn't come out the way he wanted.

L-R: Ale, Sis, Ila and Boo

childish

i opened FB today to find on my feed, choey is now engaged to choco bar. I'm super happy for them. Truly I am. But being cut out of his life is not how i perceive being a friend. he said his piece and i'll have to respect it.
i unfriend-ed him on FB.
i know he knows, if he would ever want to find me, he is aware of where i am. for the moment, he doesn't want to know, and i've got to be ok with that.

I'll be there for you (Rembrants)

Amazing how time flies.
This photo was taken 02.10.2006 - the first time I went back home since moving to Italy.

Kari has then been on several adventures including some devastating, heart-breaking ones...and currently is living happily on cloud 9.

Kari, it's been an amazing trip so far knowing you! It's been more than 10 years that we've been friends and despite the distance and time, we also seem to find away to keep in touch.

Happy big 3-0! I wish you all the best life has to offer. I'm hoping 10 years from now, we'll always be friends.

Love you, Big Bird!

Give (dishwalla)

"I have given everything that I could, and I don't think it really even matters...what would you give?"

I headed over to Pyro's and brought over 6 bottles of wine, although, one of them must have been so old it had turned into vinegar. Eeewww. Also, a deeply embarrassing moment. Who brings old wine? Me, apparently.*facepalm*

He wanted to pay me back...but how do you put a price on stock you have at home? Plus one bottle was off. He paid me but I felt so bad coz now really isn't a good moment for the guy, I slipped it back into his wallet without him knowing. When/If he finds out, he's gonna be so pissed. Sorry, Pyro!

All things shouldn't be wasted. So when the opportunity comes along to recycle other peoples clothes, and they insist that you have it, you should take it. Times are tough, and one cant always afford new clothes. There is no shame in accepting charity, right? It's just my pride that often gets in the way.

Angel (Sarah McLachlan)

Pyro, Press PLAY, then read on...
Angel- Sarah Mclachlan by Suryam

this year has been a tough one for you...and I just hope that I've been a good presence through it all.

"In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here"

We don't always agree and we'll always have our "moments"...but please remember, I promised you, no matter what happens, you can always count on me. For however long you need me around, I will always be there. For whatever it is. My friend, you will never be alone. Just call me and I will show up. With all my heart, for always, I love you.

You know when you wake up in the morning, you have an idea of how the day will go...but then you're never really ready for the events of the next 24 hours. And how life can really change in a blink of an eye.

My day started out stressing out over my new project. Parquet floors and a kitchen and the objective of getting things done. My night ended with an immense feeling of loss and sadness.

Drive (Incubus)

So this new project I've happily thrown myself into (spending someone else's money and looking for interesting pieces to buy) has me leaving the office at 5ish so I can still make it to the stores and today was no exception.
It was a little past 6.30pm and I was driving like a maniac hoping to make anywhere before 7 or 7.30pm, since thats when most of the places close. I was in Pyro's area when I found myself stressing out over traffic. It was more so than usual. Then of course I see a police car and think to myself, "damn crazy Italian idiot drivers" I swear, every day there's an accident on the road and its always because people are careless. Then I thought, wouldn't it be so funny if all this traffic was because of Pyro. Then I drive by. There were three cars and the very last car I see IS Pyro's. I parked the car not so far away and assess the situation. Pyro was very busy as there were about 7 people all talking at the same time. I came out of the car and he was very surprised to see me. He had gotten into another accident (again!) and when he was told to move his car, his battery died without any warning!
The chain of events were apparently as follows:
Old man hits the back part of Pyro's car, so they both stop. Pyro was calling the police when they actually were just passing by! He jumps out into the road to flag them down. While filing the incident report, the police decide to do a spot check on both cars and thats when we all found out that whatever document the police were looking for he didn't have! Instant fine!
So while all of this was going on, Pyro had a friend there too who had moved his car beside mine and Pyro had to push his. That's when I found out that his battery was dead.
When everything had resolved itself, leaving me and Pyro, he asked me where I was going since he needed to keep the battery alive so he would take me wherever I would go. We agree and then he found out, his car died again. This time I went with my car next to his to jump start it.
We tried for half an hour - his battery just wasn't charging! Luckily we were at the entrance of convent that had an incline. So we ended up pushing the car through the entrance and when it came to the incline he grabbed the driver's side of the car and jumped in. I waited for about 30 seconds then from out of the darkness his car came back alive! I was so happy.
I thought we were going to park his car near his house but as he pointed out, he needed to charge the battery for a bit. So I got my car, parked it in a gas station and off we went.
We had no idea where were going to. We burst out laughing. By this time it was almost 8, so he figured since I stayed the least he could do was take me to dinner. We went to Gregorio VII for a Japenese restaurant but we both weren't hungry. So he mentioned doing the "mille curve" and I'm like the what?!
He was so incredulous that I've never been up there before he decided on the spot, ok, we're going there now.
"Mille curve" turns out to be this road by the side of the Vatican with sharp, blinding curves that leads you up to Gianicolo. It's actually pretty cool. And of course, Pyro is completely insane as a driver.
And after that we went to the Knights of Malta's "Peep hole" of course he used the Italian name for it and I didn't know what it was. By the time we got there, I was like, oh yeah, I know this place!
We drove around the City for about two hours, talking and talking. Then we ended up at the same Japanese restaurant we originally wanted to go to. While we were parking on the incline, the car battery died again! the parking wasn't so bad, but we didn't have a chance to park it properly. Pyro freaked out. I calmed him down and said things would be better after we eat. As most things in life, you can solve anything with a full stomach.
After dinner, we had to start the car the same way, which was putting it into free fall on the incline to revive it. And that worked. I was seriously worried, so I told him that we should just park his car at his house (since he wanted to take me to my car first, but I was afraid it would just die again) and we'll walk to mine. Which we did.
We got into my car when another car parked perpendicular to us and a woman whom we didn't even notice was there, ran up to the window. That was the weirdest thing ever. I thought they were friends or that the guy was lost and was asking for directions, although it seemed strange. Pyro thought she was a hooker but she was fully clothed so it didn't quite make sense. The guy drove off and the woman walked away. While we were discussing the various possibilities of these two, another car comes up and the same girl just jumps into the car and they drive to a hidden part of the gas station (behind the car wash). We looked at each other and said, "hooker!". She had to be. I said we should time it. It was 11.38pm and we were discussing why a person who go with a hooker and the limitations of doing it with one. Six minutes later, I see the girl walking away. We burst out laughing. His thought was, "that was the quickest BJ ever". Could you have a BJ in 6 minutes? Who knows! but damn, you just paid money for something that was only 6 minutes! We stayed for another 10 minutes wondering if someone else was going to show up....and someone did. but this time they drove off together. An after thought we had was it could have been a drug related 6 minutes...but now that would be anyone's guess. We left and I drove the poor guy home then went home myself.
That was the funniest impromptu night I had spent out in a while. Thanks Pyro, for making life interesting.

because i dont tell you (guys) enough

I'm currently driving when I realized that I needed to post this:

I love you.

For making the time to read my blog even if its confusing half the time and you have no idea of whom I'm talking about. For sending your family to check up on mine. For listening to me whine. For calling me to make sure I'm ok. For the late night drinks over skype, in a bar or at home. For spending time with me.

I know I haven't been a whole lot of fun lately and I apologize. I could be doing far worse and my inner turmoils just about rip my heart apart. I have been crying everyday to and from work. But I know that even if you get pissed at hearing me whine about the same damn thing, you'll still hold my hand, and wipe away my tears when I cry and hold my hair back while I puke when I've had too much to drink. That reassures me. I know that whatever happens, I'll be ok because I have you. I'm so lucky to have friends I can turn to despite the distance or time (I'm also meaning the Rome friends I don't make much time to see).

Thank you for being a part of my life...and whenever I've needed you, thank you for always being there. *hug*

-from the beaten, torn heart of me-

i am a bad person....i'm also sleep deprived

So lately, I've been going home at 2 or 3 or 4 am and inevitably, that took a toll on my health. However, today, Monday, after being home and going to bed early (around 11), I find myself tossing and turning from 2am. It's now 4.35.
Must.switch.off.brain.
damn.

Guy friends will always get you in trouble with their girls be that: potential, temporary or actual. It's not the first time I find myself listening to the potential girl cry about my guy friend. Damn it. Must remember to kill guy friends (calling AJ! :P but then I won't have anyone to drink with!).

My latest misadventure:

i only told him that somehow it came out of my mouth that me and him occasionally sleep together. he seemed pretty cool with it, he said that u already asked him about it but we didnt get into details. he said kind of joking that he told u that there was nothing btween us "this week"

so....can i ask u what did he say when u asked him, did he actually deny?

*ugh* can anyone say awkward! this is the last place i want to find myself. analyzing what he said, what he didn't say. what he did and didn't do. he is my friend after all...damn men.

good byes apleanty

me:

are you talking to me again or was the acknowledgement of my post simply because it was public?

hope you're well and i miss you

reply:

hey, i just cant talk to you coz i dont want to complicate my life. i do appreciate the greeting. take care there and i also miss you.

The mystery of why he stopped talking to me is finally over. Now I know.

Asa kay Arass

Please...please oh please oh please....
I had a great time tonight. Arass is so sweet and super funny and I so like her very, very much. Can I please keep her?
We seem to have a lot in common and we get along well. Please don't let her turn into a bitch like all the other girls....
I can't deal with the other SHE...and the remaining twin is still treating me like shit (yes, yes, it's my own damn fault that I let her).... so can I keep Arass please?

Querida Mayra:

Hace mucho tiempo que no sè nada de ti. Estoy feliz de escuchar tu voz - te echo de menos, May!
:)

You're a great person and a wonderful friend and I'm privileged to know you. *hug*
It's decide, prices remaining stable, I'm going to NYC for a bit :) I can't wait to see you again and hug you.

I keep forgetting to ask if the video ever worked (that way I know to make another one if it does). As you know my ADD creeps in every so often, that and my verbal dyslexia (mental dyslexia anyone? :P)... I can't wait to spend some real quality time with you again. I'm sure I forgot somethings else that I wanted to mention, but when I see you, then maybe I'll remember.

*hug*hug*hug*hug*LOVE*hug*LOVE* :)

hugs and besos and love from (Ro)me ....

temporarily good bye

The Don had left me his computer to keep until he sorted out his move to Kenya.
Luckily JR was in town and he carried the damn thing (it's heavy!) from the house to the car. I couldn't carry it. It was an ordeal to bring it home the first time (from the Don's to my house, so I wasn't looking forward to bringing it back).

Anyway, the Don had been in Kenya for a month and so the computer was at home for that period of time. Originally, we were suppose to leave the office together to go home and get it and bring it to wherever he was staying. Then the lightbulb in my head went off...since JR was around, why not ask him to bring it. Poor boy. According to him, it was probably 120lbs in weight, if not more. Anyway, we brought the computer in and the Don was informed accordingly.
We changed our plans. He just said to leave the computer in his office. So I looked for a trolley and we brought the computer from the car to his desk. Upon returning the trolley, I realized that I wasn't going to have any time anymore with him.

This is the DON. I've known him since forever. My friend, my brother, my crutch when I'm so wasted and can't walk straight. and now it's real. He will no longer be around for last second tea's or breakfast or drinks or dinners. He's moving. He's gone.
We were at the elevators when I just broke down crying. I fled the scene and left him there.

I wrote him an email to apologize later on....

"I know we’ll always be friends.
But it’ll be different. Simply because it will be.
It was reassuring knowing you were around. My older brother in the office who was always watching out for me.
Knowing that when i really needed you...you were there.
And I was always here to listen to your adventures – which I thoroughly enjoyed listening to.
You may have not realized it, but you do mean a lot to me and you’re a huge part of my life.
I’m just sad to have to give that up – i knew it was going to happen eventually (you leaving) but I guess I always thought that you were going to be there.
So thank you for everything. For being you and for being my friend."

Yes, I know. People come and go in life. It's just sad when they have to. (it's been 2 hours, I'm still crying! my colleagues have already come up to me asking me whats wrong! argh! how embarrassing)

Dear Kari and Angel

I was watching our random video clips of when we went to NYC.
...And I missed you guys so much!


God, time flies. Angel got married and Kari is pursuing her dream. I wish I could go back to those insane days of just having you guys around. I don't tell you often and I'm awful at keeping in touch, but I miss you and you guys are the greatest.

*hug*

Happy Birthday, Erika

It was Erika's birthday last Wednesday (05.08.09) and she invited me to her house for a party with some of her other friends from work and outside of work. It was a fun night over all, as you can see.

Made with Windows Movie Maker, so apologies for the crappy editing. One day, when I get a super awesome computer, I'll make the most of it. For now, its good enough practise, right?

Music: I gotta feeling, by the Black Eyed Peas