dinosaur alert

 this past week i've been feeling blah... i feel physically unattractive: fat, old, greying hair, everything. its like a funk. I wouldn't have slunk into depression or anything i just feel, blah.

i guess i must be feeling it: birthday blues.

Turning 39! ack! it's old,,,, I'm OLD. it didn't help that my ex boss didn't recognize me anymore, I felt like i just deteriorated.

i did not age gracefully.

so it comes as a weird but welcome surprise when someone said, if i could have had you for a night, or two or an hour or even 5 minutes just the two of us.

to which my reaction was WTF? followed by, where the hell is this coming from.

but i get it, the universe was tired of my pity party and just threw something to distract me for attention....

so i'll just take it as that.

age is catching up

 

I dont know... all weekend I've been thinking of this song... makes me want to apologize to Leo. Not that I'm saying that Im a beautiful girl but I've wronged him somehow. I'm sure he's over it and its just one of those random things that come back to haunt you when you're looking within especially since its my birthday in a week's time. 

I listened to round here as well from the counting crows and suddenly evertyhing felt old. I was 18 when i first heard that song. I'm 38 now.... 20 years.

a LOT has happened... but for some reason, whatever the reason whenever I see the full moon in the sky, I can't help it. I smile like a goof ball. That has never changed and I hope it never will.

letting go and moving on...

 what do you want from me?

what do you want me to say?

i was stunned. I was hurt. and I realized, it was only just my ego....

I thought I was important to this person. I thought that I was his friend, and being my friend meant something. it had value. But as I'm growing up, i'm realizing, it doesn't always equate that way.

and I had a more lot of rage going into this post and i put the kids to bed and stumbled upon a quick post on self love....

what does it look like, self love?

I thought because I jumped through the hoops, made an effort even though very clearly, he viewed me as an inconvenience in his life rather than a friend, i offered no value, yet i still kept showing up.... because i needed the validation that i was worth something.

even the captain disappeared on me. and the age old adage is true, people come into your life, for a reason, a season or a lifetime.... and i'll just remember with fondness when he was a part of my life and let go.... i wished him happy birthday and didn't get a reply. but as i have been telling my son, when we do nice things to people, its not because we expect anything in return, but because we wanted to do something nice.

to go back to the beginning, i wanted you to say sorry you hurt me, i wanted you to acknowledge i meant something... but this should never have been aimed at you.... this is something i need to say to myself.

i'm sorry rei, that i think so little of you and expect you to show up all the time, without investing any time or effort into you. i'm sorry i don't value you or see your worth. give me time to make it up to you...to appreciate you... and to treat you better.

Update

So I wasn’t crazy.... there really was something last night but at 1.30 I was too tired to care .... presenting! I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ grasshopper or cricket 🦗? 

Happy Halloween

so just the adults. No idea what I was dressed up as but I just wanted to be different and fun and uncoordinated. I think i succeeded.

Here I am with the master of all Halloween Parties, Mitra.

Barbara ( mom of Elena) as a zombie Bride and Fabio, hubby of Mitra is happy

with his spider on his face.

My happy Halloween look posted on IG.

Momma Bei having fun with me :D

Day spent out with the kids in Caffarella. It was a fun day.

 

Kilig moments and distractions....

 So I've abandoned this blog yet again. I think it's a pretty accurate reflection of my relationships. I'm hardly very constant in communication of some. I am inconsistent. That's part of the problem.

A lot has happened since the summer I don't know where to begin...but thats not really it. I can't pick up where I left off. I just need to write something.

Combined with laziness and procrastination, binge watching (Netflix, amazon prime), is pretty lethal for me. Added onto it, is loneliness (i miss my hubby!) and I've got a match made it hell. I've given up reading, studying, creating. I'll add though that as a bonus, I kinda connect more. It gives me some thing to talk about with my friends.

So I binged watched Crash Landing on You and I couldn't stop. Although, i would have preferred a different style of editing (an hour and a half is a bit long!), I rushed through the first time I watched it (Kat was saying, grabe, I finished it in a week) consider it was 16 episodes. And then I had a crisis about it.

I obsessed over the appeal of CLOY - what was about it, that resonated with lots of people around the world. The romance, what was the allure of this romance? There were hardly any kissing scenes (so no love making scenes either) and no public display of affection either. The main characters were unmarried mid 30s protagonists which made it a bit strange in an asian setting. Asians normally marry a bit younger. So maybe there were lots of mid 30 single people out there? The appeal is that they can still find love in a "normal" scenario (the man is not divorced or is separated from the baby momma kinda deal), considering the age.

The tender moments! oh the tender moments. Ahhhhh hang on... so this all started when i got back from Rome and was looking for love...on the internet...in the form of couples. I think youtube suggested Captain Swan and I just started watching Once upon a time (bits of it) for just Emma & Killian scenes. Then i asked my friends to suggest something romantic, which for me is strange. I like CSI, Law&Order, Criminal Minds. RomComs, or Romance in general is not my thing. But apparently I felt like it. So CLOY was introduced and I missed sleep for a good part of a week. 

Then i watched and rewatched until I saturated myself of CLOY. Not willing to start another addiction and feeling I've abandoned learning / reading. I pulled myself towards something familiar. sort of. Buffy the vampire slayer. As always, I just watched the 10 minute clip on youtube then dug into amazon prime to rewatch Buffy and Spike. I was actually convinced, it was Buffy and Angel, so you can see I was really "into" watching Buffy. I remember Spike being the bad guy so i was surprised that it ended up being Buffy and Spike. 

And today, while giving Julie a shower. I finally understood season 6 of Buffy, more importantly, the self loathing that they talk about in season 7 and what was meant by "using you".

Buffy was broken and insecure and in denial about a lot of things so she escaped. But even when she escaped, she knew or thought the feelings Spike had for her wasn't real. There's one heartbreaking scene, where she goes to him and says to him, Tell me your love me. Tell me you want me. 

Spike himself was in denial. He knew Buffy didn't love him but she wanted him and that was good enough for him. So he kept her. He manipulated her even just so she could stay. He knew he wasn't good for her and even though he said he loved her, he was still selfish and stayed. So watching her break up with him was painful and their unrequited/platonic relationship in season 7 was nice to watch. And sad to watch.

Isn't this always the story line? the girl saves the guy from going astray and they live happily ever after. the guy changes because of the girl. does he ever? does he really?

All these thoughts on Romance.... what shaped me was the torture of romance. the unrequited love. the love that turns into friendship that'll last forever. songs about love, I can't even name two. Ask me about heartache, unrequited love and breakups, I'll ask you if you want one playlist or two. 

On an unrelated note. I've been looking for someone to connect to about this but no one seems to get it and I needed to let it out..... and I've missed this. Writing my thoughts, I  missed it. Social Media and binge watching is bad for me. I can't self regulate.... but this was nice. Relief, and my happy space. Can't wait to keep posting here.

what are you try to say...?

so lately i've been obsessing over F1 drivers, that had been made easy by social media - so the stalker in me has been enabled.
now the really weird thing is that decided to stalk DR3 and very very recently his hag MI -always together like ALWAYS.
anyway, if we're going for absolute type it would be CS55 just no doubt (hello spanish), and initially the stalker tendency was there and this is really sad to say.... the more i researched and stalked the less i was interested. from the looks and the charm and his wit and everything about him is commendable but i just wasnt pulled in.... now DR3 however,  there are so many things wrong about this guy, but he's the deal, there's just something there that has a pull....
so it was with great surprise that i had a vivid dream of CS55,
i remembered it so much when i woke up but now its 1am of the day after so much details have escaped me... except for that face when he looked (without a mask on) to tell me something....

so i just put it down to this... predicting the winner for sunday..... CS55, DR3, LH44...._

pps
i cant sleep, theres a rustling noise outisde and i cant seem to figure out where its coming from....
shit! 

Work around

I sort of abandoned this blog as I was having a hard time uploading photos to it and then i couldnt type properly on my phone (where most of my photos) then I started uploading onto instagram. Then i became addicted to instagram and the validation that came when people liked my posts or messages and now i freaked myself out realising that was not the purpose of me posting. it was about preserving my moments. my memories before they all fade away.
and i'm not sure if its good to compartmentalise, but i am still me. an evolved me I hope. but still me and I just didnt want my kids to dictate who i am and all that i do, which they have anyway, but i wanted to keep a small space for me.
to remind myself of the things that i do that interest me.
the silly moments that i do which makes me think i'm forever 25.
so i realized i could create a draft with the photo i wanted and just save it. Once i'm ready to write, I have the draft with the photo already there.

i was over the moon when i finally figured that out. my brain works from time to time. i can finally post the random screen shots i want to take and stop sending it to people who dont really care.
i can start freeing up space in my phone for the photos i take and never post anywhere as i don't always want to publish it on IG or Facebook.....

the freedom of posting!
of reconnecting here....

of having the space to yell and vent and be me....
mwah

Calls

so 2020 has been a bit weird to say the least, and its forced us to stay home. there's been a lot of positives like watching my kids grow and another positive is that has forced me to actively keep in touch with friends. 

also i wanted to immortalise this moment of my hair and eyelashes, i'm thinking that i'm going through a crisis of some sort... never had i ever colored/dyed my hair and i did it now. i guess i just wanted to change and do something i would never do ....and my eyelashes as well.... so... i'm just feeling weird and want to rebel i guess... do something "crazy"....

social media and me

its reached a point that i need to use it less...
i mean, there's great parts about it... i'm trying to work out using it...looking for exercises and i read when i can about things that interest me...
but i'm too consumed by it....
i've stop creating.
i only look at what people are posting and trying to create similar content
so.... the memories that i claim that i post up there...i'll stop
this has always been mine space...
so i think i'll keep it.

just happy

so i don't know why, but i just saw i had extra cash and i just wanted to share the love....
timing had it, i had promised nyc a present but never could get round to it but finally managed it in the end.
pau SG who cannot cook has been receiving food from his friends and family and as a joke i told him, let me join the bandwagon and i'll do it too....

i managed to send a pizza for duckie in may and some random things for candy....
but addie was on my mind as well as pau but it was a struggle to do...
sooooooo i finally managed
today i managed to have food sent to addie, paulo, and candy wala lang happy lang
oh for candy i sent her gian's baking experiments and she loved them

day 25

so there's a new challenge, and for today they wanted a song which is a cover by an artist that is no longer living....
i posted on IG what i could find but the song i really wanted was this:

Chester Bennington
singing Rolling in the deep....
how i miss his voice.

making time

so today was a holiday at the office and i decided to bring the kids for a dental appointment then hang out at mitras house.
it was nice to do some thing else but then i realized how much personal things i've let slide and i need to take time to do them.... also for myself.to have my nails done. i need to find the balance of work and kids and i don't know how to do that.
even 10 min stretching i dont do....
what kind of example am i setting for my kids

new age

ever since i was little, i was fascinated with the occult.
but being in the philippines where it was predominantly catholic was a bit hard to explore. people did anyway but i was too scared to embrace. i was afraid of judgement from friends and my religion. i was afraid of what is really out there. i was afraid of acknowledging ghosts because that would be i would acknowledge that they walk amongst us.
i was afraid of knowing angels, because that means there would be devils. and i was afraid of myself, because i know i am weak and gullible - i wouldn't and i am not strong. if a spirit decided to trick me i would fall.
but i've always been curious, about tarot cards and palmistry and pendulums and just witchcraft in general.... and with so much information online, i've been reading up and then getting scared again.
what if i'll go to hell for all of this, for wanting to learn more about this.
two full moons ago, that is when the power of the moon is strongest, i brought all my stuff out for recharging... and i made a plea, that i would like to know more about the spirit guarding me. and right away, i could smell a scent in the air. i was outside on the balcony and well, we're all pretty spaced out in terms of buildings, plus it was late at night and so i knew. my hair on my body all stood on end and i freaked out.
i said wait, i'm not ready, please leave me alone and just like that, i was alone again.
i want to develop this knowledge so i can help myself and others who would like to seek help, but there's so much unknown to me. there's so much information out there as well, its so hard to see the truth. the core. but baby steps. i'll get there eventually. after all, its all about growing up along this journey. about being the first one to reach the destination.

humility

as much as i can try to do things on my own, i do but some things, i need a tribe for.
some things, i actually do need help.
some things, i do need a team.
and i struggle with this, because I have been independent for so long or at the very least i have been doing things by myself for myself.
but i'm no longer by myself.
i do need help.
and i feel bad for all my friends i've neglected. i'm sorry.
and those who persisted, thank you.
thank you for reaching out, for your support.
i do need help. i do need people to check up on me and i cannot survive this journey of life as we know it alone. i need you. thank you for not giving up on me.

hey!

blogger shows the number of views a post gets... i'm surprised that its being viewed and since i'm not viewing it, you want to drop me a line to let me know you're checking up on me?

its mothers day and half way through may.
work is insane, and then personal....well, personal is messy....
ugh.

the king

its been a crazy period....sleep deprived and lots of mistaken reports....

this song has kept me through the late nights, so ..... if i have to remember this time, i would remember it with this song

in your eyes

literally, song of the moment, playing on the radio....only worth mentioning because jordan liked it from snapchat, another long story for a different day

the weeknd
in your eyes

pause

i took a trip down memory lane...yes i read the old posts...
i don't write much but the songs of the moment bring back some memories, so i'll try  to keep that up and alive....

time flew by and stood still

we are now in May of 2020.
I haven't written for a variety of reasons, life got in the way.
When we first moved there was no wifi signal in the room so i could only do it outside - i haven't found my writing desk space yet and then i just didn't want to write
then the kids needed more attention.
the learning curve of work.
the personal space situation
its all crazy.
but the whole point of writing was to connect to God. To speak to the Lord and have a relationship with the Divine.
It is and remains to be my personal space of where I can write as if I am speaking with Him, with all my imperfections, my pettiness - where I can say stupid things and be stupid and acknowledge it and grow up. Before I can grow I got to let it go right? and the way I do that is to vent it...to speak to someone.
i can always catch up later on.
this is just my way to start again. to drop in and say hello
apologise for not making the time before, and if You'll have me. I'll try and drop in regularly.