what do you want from me?
what do you want me to say?
i was stunned. I was hurt. and I realized, it was only just my ego....
I thought I was important to this person. I thought that I was his friend, and being my friend meant something. it had value. But as I'm growing up, i'm realizing, it doesn't always equate that way.
and I had a more lot of rage going into this post and i put the kids to bed and stumbled upon a quick post on self love....
what does it look like, self love?
I thought because I jumped through the hoops, made an effort even though very clearly, he viewed me as an inconvenience in his life rather than a friend, i offered no value, yet i still kept showing up.... because i needed the validation that i was worth something.
even the captain disappeared on me. and the age old adage is true, people come into your life, for a reason, a season or a lifetime.... and i'll just remember with fondness when he was a part of my life and let go.... i wished him happy birthday and didn't get a reply. but as i have been telling my son, when we do nice things to people, its not because we expect anything in return, but because we wanted to do something nice.
to go back to the beginning, i wanted you to say sorry you hurt me, i wanted you to acknowledge i meant something... but this should never have been aimed at you.... this is something i need to say to myself.
i'm sorry rei, that i think so little of you and expect you to show up all the time, without investing any time or effort into you. i'm sorry i don't value you or see your worth. give me time to make it up to you...to appreciate you... and to treat you better.
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