self destruction

there were times when i felt i needed to self destruct.
i'm sure it was all a phase at a certain point. but i also think that its my coping mechanism for other things i don't want to deal with.
example:
the slashing wrist thing: phase
racing gas tankers on the SLEX, weaving in between them: self destruct
running a red light, being chased by the cops, turned the car off, etc: phase
racing another tanker parking and hitting them straight on: self destruct

when i feel i am no longer in control, i want to explode and start all over again.
which is what i'm wanting to do now.
just hurt myself, for no reason.

****

time is ticking so slowly...
i can feel each second
and its all agony for me.

no regrets, remember?
live in the moment
and own all your decisions

remember all those instances when you didn't let yourself free fall
and you realized later on (way, way, WAY later on), that you were glad for it
leave the moment
and the complications behind.

when in doubt
always choose life
choose love
and certainty of life.

there aren't a whole lot of things you can count on...
so for the rare finds you know to be true, cling to them tightly
appreciate them and know that life just can't get any better than this


***

conversation:

i can do whatever it is i want even without you here
i hope that doesn't include sex

*laughter*

your silence is alarming, but i'll play it off...i want to make you sweat a little, you're too confident at times

well?!
you can't be seriously asking this. of course not!

the question wasn't serious
the answer was though